All you need to know about today
1) I don't feel like taking the exam tomorrow.2) I had a horrible day and I cried and I am in a horrible mood. I feel guilty about it (Don't try comforting me, I don't need it.) but I don't want to change.
3) My jacket is dirty because I wore it to that cremation place and now I have to wear a dirty jacket to exam tomorrow and I am a bit pissed about that.
4) "What if I break down during exams tomorrow?" Was thinking this on the way home from Kuang Ming Shan after the cremation and was using every bit of mental strength to hold back my tears. I perfected my breathing to do this. I don't like people seeing me crying when I ought to, ok? I SAID don't comfort me, I don't need it.
5) Now I feel like I can handle exam tomorrow.
6) I'm waiting for that special consideration form from my cousin.
7) My eating hours are so irregular now that my gastric pains are coming back.
8) I think I have gained 2 kg so now I am 42kg, which is a good thing.
9) I feel like sleeping through 3 days and not go to school for my exam.
10) If I sound crabby to you, am ignoring you, told you to leave me alone, said "no" to "Are you alright?", didn't smile the whole time I'm with any of you, sorry about it, I'm not in the best of moods.
11) Don't remind me that it is my 1st paper tomorrow and I have to go through the next week in the same mood. I'll probably fail them all.
12) We walked in the rain today because we didn't know we could bring umbrellas when sending mama off. I'd better not get sick. If I do, I'll be more crabby than ever.
13) The whole process of getting to the cremation was very fast, only like 3 min from sitting to kneeling to praying to walking and to kneeling/standing and bowing.
14) The cremation was even faster, the coffin went in within 5 seconds. Now she is really gone forever. Maybe not forever, just physically gone forever.
15) I just got my keys back and I'm happy.
16) I'm skipping dinner because I don't think I want to go back to my grandma's house for a while.
17) I am sad, was very sad, was crying, don't know if I'll break down tomorrow, need chocolate, need sleep, don't need exams, need a hug (because my mom doesn't know how to comfort me - she didn't even manage to catch the sight of the coffin being pushed in, so she's pretty upset about that), need more chocolate, need my mama, wish she would appear in my dreams and if I write anymore I'll start to cry again.
That's all you all really need to know. She got cremated at about 3pm today and I can't go tomorrow to take her 'gu hui'. I don't know what's it in english. I said DON'T COMFORT ME ALREADY! I just need chocolate. I pity LY tomorrow. Maybe we should take the bus at different times, don't want you to face my black face tomorrow. Plus my black face is for no good reason. I'm just a sour person. Told you I'm a horrible person but nobody believes me. Only my mom will agree.
posted by tstar @ 6:58 PM
1 Comments:
you shouldn't skip your meals.. at least catch some bites, else the effect won't be gone.
Don't worry, your mama will smile upon you, yes i'm sure she will visit you in your dream, telling you that all is well for her, and that you should live strong.
The rest is up to you yourself, Steph.
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