A Replacement to Writing? 2005/2006

The day mama died.

My father popped into my room while I was sleeping this morning at I-don't-know-what-time telling me take care of my sister because he has to go to the hospital to see my grandmother who is in a critical condition. I registered the urgency, said ok, and went back to sleep.
At about 8.30am, I woke up to the sound of my brother switching on the computer and then my father on the phone talking about some Kembangan thingy, trying to find this on the website. I thought it was some community centre thing so after letting my brother surf the web for a while, trying to search for the website (he typed the name wrongly, I believe), I got up and helped him. I asked "isit community centre?" My father, through my bro, said funeral de. It was then I realized my grandmother had passed away. I couldn't find the information needed.

The fact didn't sink in until 1/2 an hour later at 9am after my mom called, I talked to her and then stayed in the kitchen for a while pretending to make a glass of milk. Cried a teensy itsy bit. I really have no appetite, so I ate a piece of bread with chocolate spread(to cheer myself up) and am now still sipping that glass of milk. My hands are shaking slightly now.

Nearly 3 years ago she had her first stroke. I remember that day because she was in my father's car with my mom and I and I think there was somebody else but I can't remember. I remember her saying she wants to see my new school - AJ. I can't even remember when it was, perhaps in January. I only know it was for band practice, (sorry my mind is a bit warbled now, can't think properly) you know those first year thing they invite us there? I can't remember the name for that event either. I feel like I want to go vomit now. Anyway she said something like, "wah, so big!" then I said bye to all of them, got out of the car and went for practice. On the way back from school, I was told, my grandmother had her stroke in the car. I was thinking, wtf, and I was at band practice. I thought that would have sworn me off band forever, but no, I didn't. She recovered and was able to walk quite a bit, can smile, can recognize people a bit. Sometimes can recognize me. Then she had her 2nd stroke. I can't remember if she had 2 or 3 strokes. I only remember the next stroke put her in bed until she died. She died of pneumonia, by the way.
I guess I shouldn't be too upset about it because she had an ok life. I mean all her kids have grown up and they're mostly nice and still come back when she was still conscious and could laugh. Then she and her daughters would cook large meals for this huge family to eat.

She loved me a lot because I was the eldest and I wasn't even there when she died. Stupid sleep. I knew I should have slept earlier last night and got up earlier this morning. At least when the hospital called I could have rushed down with my father. Stupid sleep, but no, I won't swear off sleep. =D

So now my mom is coming home from work.

I'm not really sure how I feel. I feel sad, for sure, but because I knew and had prepared myself for this day to come, I don't feel that bad. Not like a thunderbolt had struck me or anything. Oh, she died the day after I got my period. Is that a sign?

I remember now, what really bothered me was that I didn't go see her in hospital at all when she was admitted for er a week or so, and where she died at of course. Hell, I don't even know which hospital she is in. I'm a terrible granddaughter. I thought she would be fine, she wouldn't die so fast. She was admitted a couple of times before, so I didn't think too much. I guess it all boils down to stupid me. Why ah, why can't I go visit her at least once in hospital? Maybe she could have opened her eyes and looked at me, then I won't feel so bad. Stupid tears. She hasn't even seen me graduate. Hell, she didn't even see me graduate from AJ.

I'll blog more later.

posted by tstar @ 9:19 AM