A Replacement to Writing? 2005/2006

Funeral - Day 1 to 5 (cremation)

You all don't have to read this post. Just read the one below this post can le. For those reading this, good luck. It's super boring.

Dear Diary,
Sorry I didn't write any detailed account on the past few days. I always come home so very late and then I manage to put all the important stuff down before I go to sleep. I sleep so late and wake up so late that I really wonder how do I get up tomorrow at 6.10am. So now let me see if I can recall everything from day 1 till day 5 (cremation day).

Day 1 (Friday, 18th nov. 2005)
Post "The day mama died" and "Funeral-day1" gives pretty much what I wanted to say. I really cannot remember much. Everyday blurs into the next day. Not a lot of people came to pay their respects the 1st day. A man who take cares of the orbituaries came and we gave him the names of all mama's children and spouses as well as ah yi mama's (2nd grandma) children and spouses.
Took a bit of time trying to get everybody down to the void deck before getting mama out of the lorry. The people from the funeral home (isit called that?) changed her clothes into those that nuns wear you know? I don't know, it's greyish in colour and she looked really appropriate in that. Don't know if is all buddhists are dressed like that when they die, but she looked very happy. I realized she has high cheekbones. Make-up was present but very light. Junxiang's mother combed her hair and then the people put her into the coffin while I watched from afar. We did a little prayer ritual. One of them was to ask her to eat when we were handed that huge plate of stuff. They included everybody except for the last row, where I was standing. I'm not too happy about that. I just want to ask her to eat, also cannot meh? Last row only got 4 -5 people, very difficult is it? I know it is because of Asian tradition, that females don't really get noticed, but she took care of me from young, can I not at least ask her to eat? Ok, don't speak about it anymore, I think you get the gist, diary. We walked around her before they closed the coffin, then we had to face the back while they put the cover on. From then on, there is a glass pane between us and her. The coffin was light brown in colour, polished, with golden-painted handles. They sealed it with scotch-tape.
Night, the other family came. We really aren't to close to them, you know. I don't even know my cousins' names. When you have 20 over cousins, you tend to forget a lot of the names, especially when I usually only see them once a year. It's a complicated story between my grandfather and my 2 grandmas. The other family really didn't do a lot, I suppose. Afterall, she didn't give birth to them, but she was still very well respected by them. She's a wonderful woman. How come I know such great people?
Attempted to study. Futile attempt.
Went home real late.

Day 2 (Saturday, 19th nov. 2005)
Went at about 12pm. Didn't stay overnight. Prayers by shuang lin shi at about 7pm. A lot of people came to pay their respects. More relatives came.
Prayers were dressed in black robes. There were about 20 of them I think. They stationed themselves at both sides of us. A lot of us. Gave us some prayer books, had to share, not enough. Shared with YY I think. Realized I haven't been going to the temple for a while, missed mama. Attempted to keep up with the chanting, failed very much but liked their chanting a lot. It always gives me a peaceful feeling.
Felt like a waitress, giving drinks and tidbits to people. Went home even later than day 1. Mama's face didn't look so happy, and the colour has drained from her face so it is more pasty. Make-up more obvious. She is still a beautiful woman.
I was in a horrible mood today again. I'm always in a horrible mood. Bad-tempered person. Was trying desperately to get revise JS, didn't succeed, read the papers. Flared up at my mum because I called her many times and she didn't hear me. Shan't put down what I said, it's too insulting. Climbed up and down 10 storeys to my grandma's house twice because of my mood and because I wanted to exercise. 10 storeys are pretty ok, only that after that when I try to go down my legs went jelly and the next day they are starting to ache. (FYI, I have something wrong with my knees. A piece of info out of nowhere.. So I can't run more than 2.4km, not including warm-ups, AJ style. I miss running. Anyway...)
Read The Straits Times' Life! section and saw a free concert at 5.30pm beside hougang mall on Southeast Asia music and dance. Since I was all fired up, embarrassed, and worried about exams, I decided to head there. Asked Pearlin and YZ if they can make it, both can't. Went there myself instead. Interesting music - mixture of instruments from all over SEA, interesting combinations. Then some er bamboo something dance by some malays and chinese. Very nice, I was wooting (if there is such a word) at the end. One of the dance, an Indian, quite contemporary folklore dance, the music was damn loud! Was irritated and covered my ears. Couldn't be bothered what others thought. I want my ears for my music, not for getting them spoilt by some loud techno music which wasn't even supposed to be that loud in the 1st place. The sound crew is screwed up. The mike was faulty lor. Then my mum sms-ed me, ask me where I am, have to go back to the wake because it's time for dinner and prayers later. YY called me as soon as I replied my mum. So I was half-way into the concert and was really starting to enjoy myself when I had to leave. A pity. Walked back in my white shirt, black bottoms and black sling bag(without the blue piece of cloth on my sleeve). Yes, Hougang mall is very near my grandmother's place for those who don't know. Ate, prayed. Prayer details and thoughts can be seen in post "Funeral - Day 2".
In post "Funeral - Day 3" I said mama didn't look very happy and that I told her to an xin. Remember my aunt (Pee Ing gugu) said maybe some people have been quarreling? I thought perhaps it was me when I flared up at my mum, so I felt very guilty. I told mama that I promise I will try my best not to quarrel with anybody. (Let's just say that what I did was pretty insignificant compared to how some relatives bad-mouthed others and how they have different ideas that they want put in place. I still felt guilty, but not that bad after I learnt of some new info.)
Incident with cats - read "Funeral - Day 2" post.

Day 3 (Sunday, 20th nov. 2005)
Went to the wake real late. Reached at an amazing 6pm, just in time for dinner and then prayers. Was attempting to study psych, an ok attempt, not terribly successful. Only I know what happened. (Btw, I never have dinner at 6pm, it's far too early. Then there is supper at 9+, 10pm. It completely ruined the timings my stomach is acustomed to. My gastric is returning, as you shall see in day 4 and 5.) Daniel and the msn incident. Ate, prayers. Read "Funeral - Day 3" post.

Day 4 (Monday, 21st nov. 2005)
Went at around 12pm because I felt immensely guilty going so late yesterday. Studied JS again. Served people, took a nap at 1 of the tables after being stuck at "minimalist Japan". I give up that chapter. Dinner, prayers. Prayers was lighter and was not sung by the woman. I remember gugu telling me that this is to send mama off. Most of the time we were sitting.
Skip to after prayers, I wanted to stay overnight, accompany mama for one last time before the day tomorrow. Was craving for internet connection so after discussion (meaning a bit of dissatisfaction but still manage to come to agreement - she let me go home first) I went home with YY accompanying me (nice, her), took a bath while YY went online, then I went online, checked mails, did everything I needed, got ready to go off to the wake again. Ended up my father came back with bro, who has his last mcq paper, science, tomorrow, and so cannot stay overnight, and my mother with Olivia. So it's my father and me at the wake tonight. We reached the wake at like 1.30am or something. I read my literature notes, did some successful studying on poems/sonnets/free verses/styles, while Yee wen, her mother, pee ing gugu and my father were playing mahjong. Because gugu and my father don't know how to play, Zicheng was teaching both of them to play. I kept on looking over to see gugu's tiles. Very tempting. Oh, I'm a lousy player. I've played mahjong maybe a couple of times.
Couldn't stand it after a while. Went to sleep at 3+am. Took one of the blankets that people sent, after they have removed all the tags and then laid it on the floor in mama's house, shared it with Wei ru. We slept on one half of the huge blanket, then used the other half as a blanket. I thought of it. I think at the end of the night I kind of took away her side of the blanket too. It isn't very comfortable sleeping like that. It's hard and the floor is cold and I can't sleep on my side. Doesn't matter, I like sleeping on my back anyway. Woke up here and there, so not a nice sleep but woke up quite refreshed nevertheless.

Day 5 (Tuesday, 22nd nov. 2005)
How do I put it? The day doesn't matter. Had breakfast, went down, offered a joss stick to my grandma, looked at her for a bit. I thought prayers would start at 11am so I went to look at her, wanting to remember how she looked like. I fear I might forget her face. Kok Foo susu actually took pictures of her in the coffin! With flash somemore.. =D Well, at least there is something we can look at to remind ourselves how she looked like and how the went as time passed. After that I sat at one of the chairs and tried to calm myself down a bit. Was... sad and missing her already when I realized what was going to happen today. Prayed more in our socks. Walked in our socks in the rain from the building to the main road. Got onto the bus, went to kuang ming shan. Nice place. Cold because of the rain and the air-con. Climbed up the stairs, passed the toilet, many of our relatives went to the toilet. I continued up in my wet socks, am not in the mood for toilet breaks. They asked those who were there to sit down, I didn't, not yet, because it felt weird, until I asked Yong Hao if we should sit down. When he sat, I sat too. Then Olivia came when I was preparing to sit and she sat on my lap. We got on our knees and prayed then walked around the altar and in front of the coffin. Btw, we were in a section, like a big cubicle, you know. Then in front is the door to the furnace. We were standing up, I was standing at the side because there was not enough space at the back, nobody was in front of me, I had full view. The wheel beside the door turned, the door opened, the coffin with mama's clothes and shoes on top rolled in, then the door closed. Then I cried. I couldn't hold it in any longer. It was all so fast. Within 5 seconds, done. Burning. Physically gone forever. YY behind me was surprised that I cried. I looked everywhere and at the door to try to keep from crying. Got other relatives crying also. Then still sniffing and trying desperately to hold back my tears I removed my socks and threw them into the dustbin with everyone else, removed the piece of cloth from my shirt and put it on the altar. I didn't dare look at anybody in the eye. When I did I lifted my chin and widened my eyes, I thought it would give me the look of nonchalance. As if my tears were because of something in my eye and my sniffing of a cold. Then still trying to keep from crying I took my shoes, took my father's shoes. My mother was surprised to see me cry I think.
On the bus, sniffing, breathing, concentrating on the spot-the-differences picture at the back of the seat in front of me. Wanted to cry but wouldn't. I think my face was alternating between being scrunched up and in the normal state. An hour later, at 4pm, another meal. I don't know what meal is it. We have to take it or something. It's messing up my system because right now as I'm typing this I'm having gastric pains. Ok, partly because I skipped dinner. After dinner felt better. Now, feel normal. Like mama hasn't died. Like she is still at home in bed, with the tube sticking out of her nose. I didn't cry throughout these 5 days, except for today, and only that once. Will it harm me later?
Fell asleep after the meal at mama's house. Got woken up, grouchy mood, came back, online, bathed, online until now. I've been typing this for 2.5 hours. I don't believe I'm still online when I ought to be studying for JS tomorrow.
Anyway, because of JS exam tomorrow at 9 am, can't go to collect her 'gu hui' at 8am.
And that's the end of the wake.
Life goes on.

Love,
stephanie

*note: not edited. too long.

posted by tstar @ 7:32 PM