A Replacement to Writing? 2005/2006

Funeral - Day 2

Either the fact that mama is gone hasn't hit home or I have already accepted it. Either way I'm feeling alright, quite high, in fact, which is not how one should feel when a loved one has passed on. Mama still looks like she is sleeping, albeit... nevermind. I still feel weird praying to her everyday. She's my mama, you know? It's just... weird. I think, "I only offer joss sticks to the gods or the dead. Oh, mama's gone. Weird." I don't know. Is there something wrong with me? I think I am cold-hearted. Sigh. Did the prayer rituals today. My feet hurt from kneeling. Suddenly I remember when mama brought us to the temple to "nian jing". Haven't done that in a long time, and there is this surge of emotion in me when I see so many people praying for her.
No, I didn't cry. I heard we ain't supposed to cry. I don't know - it is good anyway. She won't feel difficult leaving us with one less person crying. Then I remember her Hazeline smell. She always uses Hazeline before her stroke. And the hair spray. Then she would use her, erm I think right hand to support her left, which was weaker, and then comb the left side of her hair using her left hand(and right). So many relatives today, some I don't even recognize. I have a huge family because my grandfather has 2 wives. My mama was a very nice person, very very nice. Received a lot of the blankets from people - made me very happy.

I felt like a waitress today because there were so many people to attend to. Relatives, friends, those who came to pray for mama.

While chatting with YY on the bench beside the block, 2 cats came and wanted to be stroked. I kept my legs up on the bench because I didn't like cats going around my legs. The couple on the other bench beside us evidently loved the cats and when they saw me pull my legs up and told the cats to go away... well, I was the show at that moment. The cats were hissing at each other, btw. They didn't like each other. The 'hua mao' was stroked and stroked by my cousin then it decided to sit underneath me and my section of the bench. I was having my period. So I was telling YY, "A cat is sitting under my bloody ass." Ok, not very elegant. Sorry about it. It sat there for I don't know how long. My legs were very tired from having to put them up on the bench. It was very pretty, though. This 'hua mao' really know how to 'por' people. Look at us with those wide eyes and then lovingly rubbed itself against YY's legs. Oh, YY smells of rodents, she was saying, because she owns quite a number of hamsters (I am very timid) that's why the cat was trying to bite her or something.

I really should put down everything that happened, but it is 2:21am now, after adding more stuff to this entry and I'm very tired. My hair is still wet and I have to blow-dry it. Good night.

posted by tstar @ 1:18 AM