A Replacement to Writing? 2005/2006

1st date

This is going to be a super awkward post. I know my friends will be very excited to read this, so here goes.
*ahem*

1)I've got a short term memory (ok, this is away from the point)

Siu Hang asked me out on msn today. I can hear all of your gasps already. Finally, after being disappointed on last Saturday. So after much debating, because we couldn't decide where to go, we decided on Cheng San Library. Weird, I know, but I wanted to go to the library today, he wanted to go the library, and we were both in no mood to go out. (At this point I'm having a mental block and LY is saying this date is very cool... My baseball bat please.) So he said he'd come down and we both agreed at about 2/2.30pm, he'd find me after he'd searched for his books.

When I first headed out I was quite calm, but the moment I stepped into the library my heart started to race. Actually I couldn't quite concentrate on the books I was browsing through. I still looked pretty calm though, I remember. After having chosen my 1st book, my phone started vibrating. 1 new received message. Unlock. Read. He asked if I'm at the shelves. Reply. Yes... Fiction. He said he saw me. Blah-blah-blah. Had to threaten him with a call before he stepped out. By then I was halfway down the row of shelves.

Actually I cannot remember my first impression of him. I only knew that it was him because he was staring directly at me and people do not stare directly at you unless they know you. I grin, I make some lame comment about his books (he actually reads chinese books, I pei fu him), he asked if I have my books. After a bit I give up trying to find another book basically because I take super long to find a book I want to read, and because I was too *cough-ner-cough-vou-cough-s*. By right, I was more distracted than *cough-ner-cough-vou-cough-s*. So we borrowed our books then headed out.

From the moment he talked I knew reality and expectation did not match. Stupid expectations. I am so ironical. I say expectations can be put aside but then because of this expectation I have of him I am, putting it crudely, disappointed. Today he appeared to be more childish (pun: chow-ish) than the more mature image I had formed while chatting with him online. But oh, he's a nice person, don't get the wrong idea.

So we sat at the food court at Hougang Mall, didn't buy anything, and just talked. Initially I was feeling really awkward because he's different from how I imagined him to be. CNM pops into my mind. We crapped. A lot of head noddings and head shakings, a lot of silences (sadly). Quite a bit of an interesting conversation. He really reminded me of Jeremy because both of them got so ... excited about something as simple as touching hands. It really was nothing for me, simple physical contact, perhaps because I'm really used to it already.

Oh, he's got intense eyes. He say I 'dian' him, I'd think it's the other way round. He's one of those who can maintain eye contact very long one lor! Very nice to be looking into his eyes, I don't mind looking for a long time, but of course I can't do that, just stare and don't talk meh? His eyes make me feel melty inside. =D So weird.

When we started talking, I knew then that he's not the type of person I would like at first interaction in real life. Somehow I think it's good, but then it's bad as well. Let me explain. I always believe that strongest relationships emerge from when both parties did not like each other or intensely dislike each other in the beginning. Only after seeing the bad side of a person can one truly admire the good qualities. That's the good part.
The bad part is that what if it just stays like that, don't like the person at first, don't like the person forever.

I didn't say I don't like him ok? As I told him, I need to get used to the real, physical him. Virtual and reality are two very different things. That's why when he asked just now why I don't want to woo him anymore I said that he's not the type of guy I'd fall for after the first interaction and that it's not I don't WANT to woo him, is I CANNOT woo him. How can you woo somebody if you are not sure if you like him and want to be in a relationship with him? Uncertainty is not an option if you are the one who takes the action. Actually I guess I am also feeling a bit of the 'don't want to' part. However, I'm leaving my options open, I'm not saying "no" to him because I don't know what will happen, what I will feel as more time passes. That's why I told him if he WANTS (i.e. interested in me still) he can woo me. I won't take any actions, I will wait and see. I want to see if I really fall for him in real life. If I do, then good, if not, it'd be for the better, no? It means there is someone else better suited for him (for I am really a lousy person and I'd be really happy if he does find a better girl), and there is someone else better suited for me.

Alright, after that ultra long detour, back to the dating scene. Yes, I use the word 'date'. What's wrong with it? Date only mah! Normal date you know! Hehz, I didn't say this, SH did. Anyway, we walked around HM. From last floor to basement. For the first time, a person actually followed me where I go. Usually is I follow people around when they shop. I actually liked it when we were walking around because there seem to be much more to talk about. CD-rama, Popular. Ok, so I said "Want to think dirty?", pointed at a packet of not-yet-inflated balloons which were longish, in Popular. Think condoms, for those who don't get it. Does that mean I'm lewd?! Ok, so maybe I am. *grumbles* Reminded of when we walked past the condom house at orchard road... ok, drifting away already. =D Just proved how lewd I am.

Then we, actually only me, were staring at this whole stack of books at the "Recommended section". I kept feeling that he was standing very close, then I move, then like no difference, still very close leh. I questioned him on MSN actually, he said he never stand very close, is I lean towards him. When did I lean towards him?! I don't remember it! This is not one of those "seriously denying it" kind of thing to save my face, but I really don't remember leaning. I could go all physics and explain the gravitational force between two masses. =P I'll be nice and not do that. But it was very nice to just feel the nearness of and the heat from his body, although I really didn't want him hugging me. I swear I stood there a few seconds more just to enjoy the feeling a bit. I think I'm mentally ... sick. Sometimes I want to slap myself. At this point I can hear all my friends laughing and grinning at the screen already. I don't care, if I don't write down everything I will regret in the future. Haiz, I am violently embarrassed.

Anyway, we actually walked into NTUC. I couldn't believe it. I mean we WALKED in to have a WALK in there. I asked him to lead because he liked walking in erm, grocery stores? I know it's Cold Storage or something. Anyway it was straight to the sweets section. Tempting, but I refuse to get anything. Not in the mood to eat sweets and when I'm not in the mood, nothing can move me. That's why he kept trying to get me to buy but I refuse. Yar, I wish I could tell it to him in the face but I always bungle things up when I talk to people face-to-face.

Then we were at the wine section and I was reminded of the red wine I drank last night so I asked him if he drinks red wine. Somehow talking about Shiraz and some other wine lead to him pinching my cheeks. Oh, according to his blog, it happened like this: "We took a walk in NTUC, then at the wine section I was saying I collect wine bottles, then she said I am karankuni. In retaliation I pinched her cheeks..." Remember my short term memory please. I was kind of shocked actually so I was pushing his hands away then somehow, in my memory I keep feeling like this the whole time, we end up in this awkward position where I was very close to him. He'd probably say "no, not very close" again, so I'm not very sure. But I remember being very uncomfortable so I responded by stepping away and told him don't touch me. I don't know how I sounded like at that time but I couldn't really be bothered. I knew what I wanted and I didn't want him doing that. All I wanted was to get my point across. Here's his version: click to see. Did people really look at us in amusement? Gosh, that is really embarrassing. Anyway I don't think he took it badly, so it's alright.

Then I saw him to the interchange. On the way there we chatted a bit and I looked everywhere else except at him, I don't know why. Then out of the blue he said that he's usually not like that. Not "like that" not specifically in that above scenario but as in on the whole today. I was a bit bothered by that. If this is not him, then what is? There really wasn't enough time for me to question him about it then, so I didn't. In a way, I was glad this date/meeting/whatever was over because it was kind of awkward. Ironically, I wanted it to last longer. Somehow inside me I wanted him to stay just a bit longer, but I know he had to go off anyway, so I didn't say anything. I wouldn't have been able to ask it outright either, I'm too shy when facing people. Actually that's why I saw him all the way to the interchange. The damn bus came so fast. He asked if we were friends or more. I don't know... *shrugs*. Friends.
He acknowledged it, we waved bye and he turned and ran towards the already docking bus.

And that, was my first ever date.

Edit: I forgot to add in that he said I'm cute. ME!! Only 3 guys have ever said that I'm cute, including him. I am flattered.

posted by tstar @ 10:31 PM