A Replacement to Writing? 2005/2006

Irritated; enlightenment.. or not?

Meant to run today but ended up reaching home quite late so didn't do so. Ok, so it's an excuse. Visited mama at the crematorium or temple today because it's the 37th day, if I'm not wrong. Got so fast mehz? Anyway I went there and ... oh it doesn't matter what I did there. What matters is that it irritates me when I see my shen shen praying to mama like she does to anybody else. How do I put it? Hands together as normal then move them forward and backward. Haiz, alright, I am just irritated by the fact that WE are praying to mama. It's not only my shen shen, it's everybody ok? I mean, I don't know, she doesn't seem dead to me so it feels real weird to be praying to her. All I want to do is to squat down to where her ashes are placed and then talk to her like when she is lying on the bed. Somehow to me she is still there, she is not gone. I don't care, she is NOT GONE. I mean it just doesn't sink in. And she still hasn't visited me in my dreams yet. Maybe there are too many dreams to go into, considering the size of my family, so mine might get omitted. Ah well.

So I want to just sit there for a bit and talk to her, tell her about myself and my life, how everybody else is and about my feelings and ask how she is wherever she is now, but there just doesn't seem to be any chance to do so. Oh I'll go there on my own alright, very soon. Then maybe I can finally just talk to her and not bother with the joss sticks and incense paper. Really, she is a buddhist, for goodness sake she doesn't need incense paper to be burnt to her! Buddhists don't do that, only Taoists do, which I am. She only benefits when we nian jin. My shen shen and that-cousin-whom-I-am-upset-with mother cannot seem to get it into their minds. The 2 times we were there they burnt paper for her. The 1st time I didn't know that there was no need, the 2nd time I was slightly irritated and couldn't be bothered to help, not that I helped the 1st time round. So. Whatever.

Then I asked that-cousin why he didn't have a joss stick when we were walking down the stairs and I think he was talking about the wedding thing. I couldn't quite make it out but I shot back that I don't want to talk about it, no point harping on it and that he can go think about it if he wants to. Shucks, what if he was talking about some other thing. My mind was just on the possibility that he could have mentioned that and I kind of assumed he did. Oh well, I'll just start another conversation with him another day. He didn't initiate conversations with me recently on MSN, so it kinds of hints at his feelings I guess. Which reminds me that I should ask my brother if he received that-message from that-cousin. Haiz. Am still upset about this, actually. YY told me not to bother about it. We seem to have something against their family. Gross. It used to be only between the(all our) parents(adults) who have this kind of conflict thing but now it is "we" as in the above sentence because well, us kids have just stepped in. I stepped in when I answered him like that, when I finally think "he is wrong". I am wrong for thinking he is wrong, dammit. Actually I am quite repulsed by what I did today, replying him like that, because it was so... uncalled for and crude. Whatever happened to thinking critically? I could have made clear what he was saying, for one, and then launch into a long speech on how we shouldn't let this bother us because we are family and how Eugene is also our relative and we should make him feel happy. It could have made him see our point of view and it would have made me feel better even if he didn't. Aiya, shit it. I already SAID I'd start a new conversation with him another day.

Practiced with YZ and Kim Peng at the studio today on Overture for Percussion Ensemble and Windstone Suite. Played from 6+ till 8+pm. My arms and thumb are tired because of the chimes part in overture. Wonder if I really can memorize that whole score or not. Don't have to memorize actually, just be familiar with the score. So many syncopated notes and quavers on the chimes, don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think Damien knows my abilities (after I screwed up a couple of pieces while under his baton) so gave me pieces I could handle. =D I'm glad about that. No sarcasm, I'm really glad. I wanted to laugh because it's a challenge, but it's within my abilities.

Sometimes it is not good to read through the archives of a blog because... well actually no use one, only make me feel worse about myself and my past decision lor. No no, it's not that person, it is ME! Then because YZ came over to my place before we headed off to the studio and she messaged me about a stop before she alighted, I practically ran to the bus stop. Actually I was feeling guilty about not running today so I just ran a bit just to make the guilt go away. Ran like 200m or less then cannot tahan le. Plus I was wearing slippers. It's not the point, the point is that while running I was suddenly... enlightened. So I walked half the distance to the bus stop frowning in concentration and... basically frowned because I was troubled. I forgot half of what I "realized" while running and it really isn't going to make a difference whether I post it or not (or maybe it will but I lied) so I'll just omit it. If you want to know you can ask me.

posted by tstar @ 10:21 PM