A Replacement to Writing? 2005/2006

Gym after exams

I promise myself I will go to the gym after exam ends. I haven't been running and I'm feeling guilty. And I need to GAIN MASS! Weight keeps dropping, it's freaking me out. I think now I weigh 40kg or something. Wind blow can fall le. Reminds me of YZ! =D YZ, we fall together ok?

I think I'll probably make another such promise some time after the exams. No 'jue xin'.

I'd better not fall sick now. Kept sneezing in the morning. Sheesh, I fall sick at inappropriate timings. That time was the night of my birthday, now when exams finishing. Am I supposed to be at home and resting when I'm supposed to be out?! I don't care, HP movie, here I come!

Steph

posted by tstar @ 11:51 AM 3 comments

Bits and pieces 5

SEA games!

Have to cut about 200 pieces of tickets for concert. Don't even know if I'll sleep tonight. After exams immediately have to do ticketing stuff with Pearlin. Friday I think I still have to continue to do the ticketing. I want to watch Harry Potter, anybody?
Getting increasingly afraid of lightning after reading several articles on how people died from getting struck by lightning so I have a fear of getting struck by one. Just now walked to the bus stop in the rain and at each flash of lightning I wanted to run towards shelter. I like watching the rain when I'm inside shelter, not outside. I like rain without the lightning.

Concerts, performances, shows. Samba performance on 10th december at Temasek Polytechnic, should be confirmed I think. Haven't played samba in a while and haven't played it with 2-4 and the others before. Then it's full fledge rehearsals for concert and chingay. Actually I don't see the point of the Chingay parade. What is it for anyway?

Chingay will continue to preserve the tradition of our Chinese New Year festivities. It will also continue to showcase the rich multi-cultural diversity of our society and offer the special and highly celebrated platform for our local community and local community arts groups to showcase their culture and art forms.
--Chingay 2006 website

Right. It seems to me to be more for commercial purposes. I see a lot more advertisements and nice floats with no meanings than any CNY or cultural stuff. Ironic, I'm playing for chingay and I'm condemning it. I like playing, don't care what events, as long as it's playing music.

Back to literature.

posted by tstar @ 12:14 AM 3 comments

CNM paper; waning?

Internet addiction, I tell you, and an intense hatred towards exams. Thanks to all my friends who say I look pretty in a dress! I feel so happy! Had a good hair day that day. Only got one person, only like that super blur picture instead of the clear one...

I got a lot of things to write about.

Ok, CNM paper was... supposedly manageable but I basically dumped everything I knew there. No fluency, horrible language, forgot to fill in some parts where I er, liquid (I don't know what is the word and I asked LY then we both started laughing. SH says it's "blanko"...) away the errors etc. Oh, Shen Chin just said on MSN that the questions were easy. I have a sudden urge to go to NUS now with a baseball bat.

So, where was I? CNM. Right. Anyway I think I crapped out an answer. I crapped so much for question 2 I am so proud of myself. I always say I anyhow write in the end also... Yar lah, I got study lah, can or not? Crap also must have standard. So it's literature's turn on Thursday. Then it's all music! =D And I checked, I can't ask for a transfer now. It's only available next semester, February, meaning I'll have to go through this whole academic year. For the 1st time I actually felt ok, writing an essay(s) in exam. Before I went in I was so nervous I wanted to puke then after I sat there for a while with the paper in front of me, muttering curses under my breath, I calmed down and started to write. Should have planned my answer first, so much time to write. 1 hour for a 30 mark question, so much time as compared to writing an econs essay in JC. I think I wrote 8 pages or something for 2 questions which is really very little compared to the fact that some people were asking for more booklets and that I cancelled a lot of stuff. I only need 30 marks out of that 50, please let me get it! Actually it's a lot, 30 marks.

I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I asked SH to be my god-bro, to which he blatantly refused, because, well he was right. My interest is waning, I think. I'd rather have a god-bro than a had-been friend, if it really comes to that stage. I'm a terrible person, aren't I?

posted by tstar @ 2:01 PM 4 comments

last minute desperate studying

I take 2 minutes off my last minute desperate studying for CNM to blog. Internet addiction. Psychology paper was not good. Study so hard for that fucking paper still find it so difficult. Should have slept earlier last night. Stupid blogging. Don't know lah, sca li come out the grades also not bad. I tell you I am ready to write an entry on univeristy education/tertiary education and the workplace but time forbids me to do so.

I'm scared! About everything! Haven't written an essay in don't know how long le. This is very very bad. That special consideration form is beckoning to me right now. And I haven't studied for literature! Kaoz. First time go exam so goddamn unprepared.
Sorry, when I'm stressed (which is really quite often), I curse. Yar, I can hear all of you saying, "Don't stress! I know you can de! Jia you!" I am still stressed lah!

posted by tstar @ 10:58 PM 5 comments

Cousin Eugene's Wedding Dinner

27th Nov. 2005
I'm blogging so late at night or so early in the morning because I reached home at about 12.30am or so from cousin eugene's wedding dinner at Sheraton Hotel. I hope I got the hotel name right. I am a narcissist tonight so a lot of photos of myself, and of others of course. I won't put all here though, just enough.

Firstly, I am different today. How? I feel extremely feminine. Very bimboistic.

I shaved my legs! =D My hairy legs are now gone and it feels weird. The hair that has been with me for close to 19 years... A bit sad to see it go actually. I know you all laughing at me, calling me siao right! =D I did it without any planning. Bought this dress today so I really had to shave.
Yes, I wore a DRESS today. Told you I feel bimboistic.
Let's start from the beginning. As there had been a death in the family, it was very uncertain if we were going to eugene's wedding dinner, but on friday it was confirmed that we were going. Saturday, never go buy clothes, sunday (today) quickly whole family went to compass point to shop for clothes. Took like 3 hours or so, maybe even longer, to get everything we needed.
My brother was supposed to wear a formal attire today, so being his first time wearing such an attire, he couldn't decide what colour shirt to buy. After like an hour, finally settled on a grey shirt ($33) and a pair of pants. Then he pull his pants super low, and insist on tucking his shirt out. Wah lao eh, want to slap him I tell you! We keep telling him cannot, very ugly until he gave in and bought the size of pants we thought looked good on him, and a size 15.5 shirt. Later he wear jacket some more, very handsome today! He FINALLY tucked in his shirt at the hotel when I told him everything is dropping out, can see, very ugly or something. He tucked in his shirt anyway, that's the main thing.

That's my brother with cousin, Yee Wen. *slaps forehead* He smile until very mian qiang.

















For the 1st time I understood why a female can take so long to dress up. I absolutely hate doing it. So troublesome. I forgot, the shopping right, after 2 hours then start to go get my clothes. Sorry, I very bad at shopping. No dress sense, no colour combination sense (except when giving opinions to my friends) so have to wait for my mum and by that time I was already drained of energy from waiting. My shopping attention span is only 1/2 hour. Very good le. Last time don't know how many minutes only. Brother shop le, then sister shop, then is my mom and me. Saw this dress at the shop front, went in, came out with another dress, the one I wore to the dinner. Later then I show you all lah, ok. Very embarrassing.
Anyway, got there at about 7pm sharp for cocktail. We were just on time althought we were supposed to be early I think. We very close to this family mah, father's elder sister - pee ing gugu. So, when I reached we, alright, I was introduced (again) to pee ing gugu's husband, uncle henry, that side the relatives, namely these 2 guys whose names I don't remember. Only know 1 of them is the same age as me I think. In army, he say he in air force, I also don't know. I really want to know about all those army stuff lehz, but nobody wants to tell me anything so I'm fed up and I am super blur about army stuff. Every little thing also don't know, so bimboistic (without the boobs and the looks). Wah lao, not even bimbo lorz, so pathetic. Anyway I shook hands with both of them and his younger brother like so embarrassed like that (he's quite cute, actually), shake his hand, limp limp de. Please lah, guys, shake hand can shake firmly or not ah? I very scared I squash his hand you know. =D K lah, I know he's just shy and is embarrassed although of what I don't know. Not like I'm very pretty or what although my gugu call us 'mei nu' and 'jun nan'. So I was doing a very short polite chat with the older brother, and I am very bad at polite conversation, before YY appeared and I ended the conversation awkwardly by pointing to the bowl of nuts. Anyway took a picture with YY.

That's YY and me with the newly bought dress and cardigan. I am very afraid of cold. I looked very nice initially, wait till later.

Then a picture with my sis.

Drank a bit of YY's beer (tiger beer again, bitter) drank that cocktail drink, and a group of us finished those nuts on the standing tables, ZC carried another plate of it over to our little standing table (embarrassing), and then finally went in to the banquet hall or whatever it is called. Sat at table 11 (just inside the door and beside the red carpet! I got the best seat!) and the 1st thing I saw were these cute little bears at each place.

I didn't get one, by the way. Somebody took my bear! =(

The next thing which caught my attention was this young waitress, I think finish secondary school or something and is working, who was very cute. I wanted to take a picture of her but she was always so far away from my table. Tsk. Wasted.

Then because I was narcissistic, I took more pictures of myself. (Bimboisitc)

Yar lah, very funny, I usually hardly ever take pictures of myself. I feel feminine enough today to take pictures can?

Then you know they always play this video before the dinner starts on how the couple met etc? I am so excited now because they are both of the same age and they are both from AJC! =D Suddenly very proud of my school. So here is a video clip of the section where they took wedding photos at AJC.

Video Clip

=D They were so sweet! It was a courtship of 11 years! That means from like 1994, maybe J1 that time. Got to know each other from AJ orientation. Aww... I was so so touched when I saw the video. Must say again - so sweet!

Then things started.

Then after a bit of dinner, they enter again. This time to cut the cake and to pour champagne down that pyramid of glasses. Can somebody tell suku me why they do that? Because very pretty is it? (Bimboistic, remember?) Then that 'yam seng' thing and a speech by eugene!

Then YY and Yeewen are the only 2 persons standing right in the middle, helping to video and take photos of the whole thing. I took the picture just to tease them a bit and to amuse myself. =D

So, I drank YY's beer, my own glass of orange soft drink and father's red wine [which was surprisingly easy to drink compared to those few I drank in the past. Don't know what brand (if it's called that) or why.]

After dinner when almost everybody has left they took some pictures and we checked out the cake on stage. Turns out the part where they cut is only this small tiny part! The rest of the cake is fake! Haha...

Poor eugene, his friends got him so drunk my father had to help him up to the bridal suite. Then he kept on falling down, his legs no strength. I first time see people drunk, so a bit scary for me. But he keep saying that he's fine, that he can still recognize people, only very giddy. Fell onto the floor once and when he tried to walk to the couch fell face down on the phone table and couch. Haiz, my poor cousin. To think he still said during his speech that not to make him drunk because he has been waiting 11 years for this night. =) So tonight cannot have sex le lah, must wait tomorrow night or something. They must be so disappointed. Anyway... (haha, drifted off for a bit.)

Before going off, took a picture with pee ing gugu, mum and sis:

And I end off with a picture of myself again! Haha, narcissist me. Just for today ok?

There's that dress. And my hair is getting out of control. It always does at the end of the day. It's 3.15am now. Blogged for 2 hours 45 min! Have to go sleep, psychology exam tomorrow at 5pm.

posted by tstar @ 1:26 AM 1 comments

Strike it Up! poster by Jeremy

Studio Percussion Unit(SPU) cum 2/4 Percussion 1st concert - Strike it up! A percussion ensemble concert with pieces ranging from contemporary to ethnic music. 23rd December 2005, 7.30pm, at YMS Arts Centre. Tickets priced at $12. Contact Pearlin (97715176 / juz_smile54@yahoo.com.sg) or Stephanie (90101883 / ng.wan.jing@gmail.com) for tickets and/or details!

Poster done by Jeremy Goh. This is his style (although we can't really tell what it is).
So proud of him. =D

posted by tstar @ 1:09 AM 0 comments

Cousin Eugene's house

Hi. Internet addiction is NOT a good thing.

Went to my cousin eugene's house today for steamboat dinner. He got married today. Tomorrow is the dinner. So here are pictures of his house. I really liked the bedroom and toilet. =D

Here is a picture of my cousin and his then-girlfriend-now-wife Dawn. My first 'biao sao'. So weird, calling her that. She is very pretty! Nice skin (jealous) and she is a secondary school teacher! *bows in respect*

When we first go enter the house, at the right side on the way to the kitchen, there is this fountain thingy:

Very nice! The only thing wrong is that the water inside is, erhem, soapy. Eugene's brother, Yong Hao's girlfriend (complicated sia) was saying that maybe the pail with which they poured the water into the fountain with had soap. Wah seh, poor them, have to change the fountain water and clean the fountain area liao. I always wondered how people change the water there, what with dengue fever and all that.

Then at the side of this fountain there is this gorgeous money plant. Reminded me of SH's money plant.

This is how it looks as I enter their house:

Then I went to visit their bedroom:

Isn't it nice? The bed is low and has a Japanese style to it. Another angle:

Then my mom wants to pose so I let her pose:

Super dark. I am getting irritated with Shiro.

Then I visited their toilet. Yar yar, why I go visit their toilet and take pictures of it somemore? Because it is nice! Actually the wedding gown was in the cupboard beside the toilet but I didn't take any pictures of it. Stupid horz. Hehz. But it is gorgeous - very long trailer. I will take pictures of it tomorrow and show you all. So, anyway, this is the toilet (haha!):

Very classy interior right? (sorry a bit dark) I was happily admiring everything then something in this above scene jumped right out at me:

In the midst of bottles of cream and SK-II, a bottle of Prickly Heat powder! Right smack in the middle of the lower shelf. Some things never change. =)

posted by tstar @ 11:55 PM 2 comments

Link

Tianjun a.k.a thelinuxboi has some gorgeous photos of Chiangmai, Thailand which he took (click here and here to view) on his trip there. Talented, that boy. *sniffs* Jealous.
Reminded me of the time I went with XMSB to Chiangmai... Nostalgia.
Growing old and not happy about it.

posted by tstar @ 1:12 PM 0 comments

Olivia's birthday; newspaper; XX

It's Olivia's 7th birthday! Cannot celebrate because of the funeral. I never get anything for her! How?! *Panics*

Did you all read the papers today. In Home section there are 2 sets of fathers and sons, 1 is son suing father over money, another is father demanding from son a lot of money which rightfully belongs to the son! Actually I just saw the headlines. But it is so incredulous. What is the world coming to? I thought blood is thicker than water.

Was reading Xiaxue's latest post then I clicked on the link to this post she wrote some time ago on religion and christianity. I love it. Totally reflects what I wanted to put across but failed to in this entry I wrote some time back when I was pissed with JX and what what I really think about the whole issue.

posted by tstar @ 9:08 AM 0 comments

Other stuff I forgot to mention

I forgot to mention that Shuping came to the band room today just to hand me her Xinfony II Cd after she heard how mine sounded on the computer (well, after I demanded it from her , actually, hehz..), after which she left. How nice of her. =D Thanks, SP!
Soon I'll be able to put up those pieces I thought were nice. Yay!
Oh, and Shen Chin say he will come to SPU's concert! =D Super happy today! (Actually I don't know if I'm faking the super happy part but I'm genuinely happy about these 2 things.)

1 ticket sold, 9 more to go. Anyone?

Studio Percussion Unit(SPU) cum 2/4 Percussion 1st concert - Strike it up! A percussion ensemble concert with pieces ranging from contemporary to ethnic music. 23rd December 2005, 8pm, at YMS Arts Centre. Tickets priced at $12. Contact Pearlin or me for tickets and/or details!

posted by tstar @ 11:34 PM 0 comments

Band prac 25/11/05

To YZ:

Hey, I know you cannot make it for future friday band practices so I happily took my camera there today to take some pictures/videos to keep you updated. Super little people today, and we didn't do any real practice, so no loss. I didn't even practice my SPU pieces, dammit.
Eh below entry is a bit narrative and a bit addressing you k. Btw, you can open the link in new window...

Clip 1

Clip 1 is the first video I took when we got there. Just to give you an idea of how many people were there and how it actually LOOKED. Yar, was super hyper today, although I don't know why. In case you can't see, that's LY running away from my camera. (Very charming girl, she is.) If you are wondering why suddenly so black at the end because she put her hand over my camera! =)

Clip 2

I took clip 2 when Pearlin came not long after. Call her name, she looked at me, I called LY, she refused to look at me. So that's her pretty back in black. =D Focus on snare drum for a while for fun. Oh we were, well at least Yiang Shan and me, were practicing windstone suite. Formal band prac have not started yet.

Clip 3

Clip 3: Pearlin and YS trying to roll using .... I don't know how to describe! You go see yourself!

Then took some pictures. Told you I was hyper today for no apparent reason. I haven't finished studying and I'm attending my cousin's wedding on Sunday! Super freaked out now.

Then because I was being irritating and was taking all those videos, they decided to do the same to me. =D Only my back! =p Pearl was trying to help them take my photo and she was saying, "quick, I xi shen xiao wo..." while chasing me to 1 corner. I'm the "da wo" they want to "wan chen"! *blush* So honoured.

Ok, the band turned to face us during practice, so this was now it looked:

Then Kah Siang pointed out to us that it was really a "boy vs. girls" scene. All the guys were sitting on one side of the room and then all the percussionists who happen to be females (alvin had something on last min, JX, I don't want to say) were standing on the other side of the room:

LY, Ruifang, YS, Pearl, me. Hehz, super blur picture.

The band switched back to facing the front later on coz Kah Siang was conducting and if they were facing us, we would be looking at his nice butt.

This entry is sounding super bimboistic. I keep using the word "super"! Shucks. I was super (oops!) hyper today.

And the percussionists were laughing at Kah Siang's pants which he folded way up.

Very funny mehz? I thought they were laughing at the fisherman's style of his pants.

Had a nice long talk with them too. Now all of us want to slap xbox (to know what happened, click here for my 1st version and here for the 2nd version). =D

I really need to get back to those books, but I'm in no mood at all. Internet addiction is NOT good.

posted by tstar @ 11:34 PM 2 comments

2005 National Children's Day anthem

Internet addiction is NOT a good thing.

Stand Up For Love (2005 National Children's Day anthem)
Click here to hear

posted by tstar @ 12:53 PM 0 comments

Yz's blog; cold; dec schedule; update

I like Yizhen's blog! I know she reads my blog, so: YZ ah, why don't you ever post a reply to the tags on your tagboard?! I think half of the tags there are mine! Haha... Refuse to tag something about that bus you were on because I know it'll start to grow cobwebs there (reminded me of what SP said yesterday) so I'll put it here instead. "That bus is really creepy. But it probably just reached the age limit of a bus, whatever it is. I pity the bus driver, have to be freaked out on the job at the happenings."

Yesterday was sweltering hot, today morning is cold. Reminded me of 3 days ago when the weather was freezing cold too, the day grandma was cremated, btw. Coincidence, huh.

So anyway, I have a busy december schedule, which I am extremely happy about because it is all music!! =D

All other days I'll be working. Hopefully. Singapore Mint never call me to confirm and I am freaking out a bit. But then it isn't a bad idea to just rest for 2 weeks before concert right?

Oh right, I should give a bit of update regarding that person in my last post. No msn and sms for a while (long while). Just that thought itself is kind of soothing to me. Kind of a safe comfort zone, if only for a while. Like I'm back to who I was, where I was.

Back to my books!

posted by tstar @ 8:57 AM 0 comments

Bits and pieces 4

Today SP came for a swim at my place. Haha, nice, talking to her again. Ended up cooking maggie mee and fried egg for her. Turns out what I thought was omelette was fried egg, so sad... Yar, must go buy an omelette next time and see, I mean, eat. =D
She promised to help me find that recipe for Oreo cheesecake! yay! Was talking about don't know what then the matter of she and her friends baking oreo cheesecake came up. I want cheesecake! Btw, peach cheesecake is horrible. I don't know why I still wolfed down so many pieces. Haha, greedy me.
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2 more chapters of Psychology and the other 2 subjects to go and I'm done!
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No SPU this saturday or next saturday, so sad. I want and NEED to play music! Nevermind, I can go band on friday...
I was seriously considering requesting for a transfer to the Conservatory of Music from Arts the last couple of days. Can you all advice me... Should I or not? Actually I don't even know if I can... *shrugs*
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Eh LY, sorry to hear about your physics grade leh. I kind of feel guilty scoring my grade although it isn't very high either. Guess background in physics helps. Nevermind, you have only like what, 1 more science module to take? Me still have many, many, many.... Haha... You must be laughing at me now! Stop! =D
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When I'm not happy, act happy and I'll be happy. It really works! I have been using it for the past few days.
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Was really confused just now, so after logging off from msn quite abruptly, I wrote this (It's to help me think) :
"I don't understand him. Why does he say 1 thing and do another? (And you DO say one thing and do another!) I am so confused and angry and hurt and everything else. Yet, I know, logic. Stephanie, you are so ridiculous. I should just let it go.
...blah-blah-blah...."

Oops, was typing this and found that I had no need to put it up, so just cut it short lah.

Oh yar, and after your email, I have this to say:
Blog search and not regretting are 2 different things. I can't be bothered to go think about this. My brain cells are getting fried and right now I feel extremely stupid. I can don't be attracted to... hmm, the words on the screen, as you say. Yup, I don't even know why I am drawn to whatever-it-is in (wanted to say "you", but nvm that) the first place.
And oh, please don't tell me what to think and feel. Can you erase Nikki from your mind?

I crazy, what for go restrain myself! I sound angry, don't I? Because I am. I promised not to lie to myself.
Yet I feel strangely calm.
----------
Time for acting happy.

posted by tstar @ 9:43 PM 4 comments

Twin egg yolks

Many, many days ago before ah ma passed away, I was making omelette for lunch or something and I picked an egg. A twin egg. Don't know what you call it.

In the past this kind of thing isn't so common, now I can see the size of the egg and there's a 70% chance that a big one would contain twin yolks. These days, everything is engineered, right down to how many chicks in an egg.

Today, I picked an egg again. It was big and it was heavy. But it has a single yolk. I am adamant that the yolks merged together. Hmph! Haha... J.k! This is one of the egg in the 30% category.

And no, I don't cook.

posted by tstar @ 12:51 PM 2 comments

What's this about 'her'?

Now now, what's this commotion about my 'her'? First it's SP, then it's LY, who next? I thought I mentioned her like a thousand times le, now then you all noticed?! Ok, it's over le, ok? It's one-sided and it never was. She doesn't know and I'm glad about it. So sometimes I do dream of kissing her (and some other things), but so what? Cannot huh? I also like guys what! [someperson(s) already know] I don't think of her anymore le anyway.

End of story!

posted by tstar @ 11:43 AM 2 comments

Bits and pieces 3

I love her. I love her not.

No I don't love her anymore.

I promised I won't lie to myself about anything. So what is this I'm feeling? Hmm. I know, I am just holding on to the idea of loving her.

Just have to let go and I'm free. =)

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Went to grandma's house for dinner. The first thing that I smelt when I got out of the lift was the smell of joss sticks and it reminded me of the wake, then got this slightly sad feeling in my heart. Tomorrow going early in the morning to pray to mama.
No need to comfort me, I'm fine, really. Anybody comfort me anymore and I'm gonna go puke. (threatens)

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Had a really interesting chat with SH. Reminded me of somebody... nevermind who. Doesn't matter who, so long ago le, people and things change. Oh, I remember alright. Nostalgia.

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JS exam today, freaked out in the beginning, then got through the paper alright with time to spare. Now I have to finish revising 3 subjects in 3 days. Is Harry Potter still on after 1st dec? Somebody ask me out please! I want to go watch HP! Been harping on that before it came out.

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Studio Percussion Unit(SPU) cum 2/4 Percussion 1st concert - Strike it up! A percussion ensemble concert with pieces ranging from contemporary to ethnic music. 23rd December 2005, 8pm, at YMS Arts Centre. Tickets priced at $12. Contact Pearlin or me for tickets and/or details!

posted by tstar @ 10:13 PM 5 comments

Funeral - Day 1 to 5 (cremation)

You all don't have to read this post. Just read the one below this post can le. For those reading this, good luck. It's super boring.

Dear Diary,
Sorry I didn't write any detailed account on the past few days. I always come home so very late and then I manage to put all the important stuff down before I go to sleep. I sleep so late and wake up so late that I really wonder how do I get up tomorrow at 6.10am. So now let me see if I can recall everything from day 1 till day 5 (cremation day).

Day 1 (Friday, 18th nov. 2005)
Post "The day mama died" and "Funeral-day1" gives pretty much what I wanted to say. I really cannot remember much. Everyday blurs into the next day. Not a lot of people came to pay their respects the 1st day. A man who take cares of the orbituaries came and we gave him the names of all mama's children and spouses as well as ah yi mama's (2nd grandma) children and spouses.
Took a bit of time trying to get everybody down to the void deck before getting mama out of the lorry. The people from the funeral home (isit called that?) changed her clothes into those that nuns wear you know? I don't know, it's greyish in colour and she looked really appropriate in that. Don't know if is all buddhists are dressed like that when they die, but she looked very happy. I realized she has high cheekbones. Make-up was present but very light. Junxiang's mother combed her hair and then the people put her into the coffin while I watched from afar. We did a little prayer ritual. One of them was to ask her to eat when we were handed that huge plate of stuff. They included everybody except for the last row, where I was standing. I'm not too happy about that. I just want to ask her to eat, also cannot meh? Last row only got 4 -5 people, very difficult is it? I know it is because of Asian tradition, that females don't really get noticed, but she took care of me from young, can I not at least ask her to eat? Ok, don't speak about it anymore, I think you get the gist, diary. We walked around her before they closed the coffin, then we had to face the back while they put the cover on. From then on, there is a glass pane between us and her. The coffin was light brown in colour, polished, with golden-painted handles. They sealed it with scotch-tape.
Night, the other family came. We really aren't to close to them, you know. I don't even know my cousins' names. When you have 20 over cousins, you tend to forget a lot of the names, especially when I usually only see them once a year. It's a complicated story between my grandfather and my 2 grandmas. The other family really didn't do a lot, I suppose. Afterall, she didn't give birth to them, but she was still very well respected by them. She's a wonderful woman. How come I know such great people?
Attempted to study. Futile attempt.
Went home real late.

Day 2 (Saturday, 19th nov. 2005)
Went at about 12pm. Didn't stay overnight. Prayers by shuang lin shi at about 7pm. A lot of people came to pay their respects. More relatives came.
Prayers were dressed in black robes. There were about 20 of them I think. They stationed themselves at both sides of us. A lot of us. Gave us some prayer books, had to share, not enough. Shared with YY I think. Realized I haven't been going to the temple for a while, missed mama. Attempted to keep up with the chanting, failed very much but liked their chanting a lot. It always gives me a peaceful feeling.
Felt like a waitress, giving drinks and tidbits to people. Went home even later than day 1. Mama's face didn't look so happy, and the colour has drained from her face so it is more pasty. Make-up more obvious. She is still a beautiful woman.
I was in a horrible mood today again. I'm always in a horrible mood. Bad-tempered person. Was trying desperately to get revise JS, didn't succeed, read the papers. Flared up at my mum because I called her many times and she didn't hear me. Shan't put down what I said, it's too insulting. Climbed up and down 10 storeys to my grandma's house twice because of my mood and because I wanted to exercise. 10 storeys are pretty ok, only that after that when I try to go down my legs went jelly and the next day they are starting to ache. (FYI, I have something wrong with my knees. A piece of info out of nowhere.. So I can't run more than 2.4km, not including warm-ups, AJ style. I miss running. Anyway...)
Read The Straits Times' Life! section and saw a free concert at 5.30pm beside hougang mall on Southeast Asia music and dance. Since I was all fired up, embarrassed, and worried about exams, I decided to head there. Asked Pearlin and YZ if they can make it, both can't. Went there myself instead. Interesting music - mixture of instruments from all over SEA, interesting combinations. Then some er bamboo something dance by some malays and chinese. Very nice, I was wooting (if there is such a word) at the end. One of the dance, an Indian, quite contemporary folklore dance, the music was damn loud! Was irritated and covered my ears. Couldn't be bothered what others thought. I want my ears for my music, not for getting them spoilt by some loud techno music which wasn't even supposed to be that loud in the 1st place. The sound crew is screwed up. The mike was faulty lor. Then my mum sms-ed me, ask me where I am, have to go back to the wake because it's time for dinner and prayers later. YY called me as soon as I replied my mum. So I was half-way into the concert and was really starting to enjoy myself when I had to leave. A pity. Walked back in my white shirt, black bottoms and black sling bag(without the blue piece of cloth on my sleeve). Yes, Hougang mall is very near my grandmother's place for those who don't know. Ate, prayed. Prayer details and thoughts can be seen in post "Funeral - Day 2".
In post "Funeral - Day 3" I said mama didn't look very happy and that I told her to an xin. Remember my aunt (Pee Ing gugu) said maybe some people have been quarreling? I thought perhaps it was me when I flared up at my mum, so I felt very guilty. I told mama that I promise I will try my best not to quarrel with anybody. (Let's just say that what I did was pretty insignificant compared to how some relatives bad-mouthed others and how they have different ideas that they want put in place. I still felt guilty, but not that bad after I learnt of some new info.)
Incident with cats - read "Funeral - Day 2" post.

Day 3 (Sunday, 20th nov. 2005)
Went to the wake real late. Reached at an amazing 6pm, just in time for dinner and then prayers. Was attempting to study psych, an ok attempt, not terribly successful. Only I know what happened. (Btw, I never have dinner at 6pm, it's far too early. Then there is supper at 9+, 10pm. It completely ruined the timings my stomach is acustomed to. My gastric is returning, as you shall see in day 4 and 5.) Daniel and the msn incident. Ate, prayers. Read "Funeral - Day 3" post.

Day 4 (Monday, 21st nov. 2005)
Went at around 12pm because I felt immensely guilty going so late yesterday. Studied JS again. Served people, took a nap at 1 of the tables after being stuck at "minimalist Japan". I give up that chapter. Dinner, prayers. Prayers was lighter and was not sung by the woman. I remember gugu telling me that this is to send mama off. Most of the time we were sitting.
Skip to after prayers, I wanted to stay overnight, accompany mama for one last time before the day tomorrow. Was craving for internet connection so after discussion (meaning a bit of dissatisfaction but still manage to come to agreement - she let me go home first) I went home with YY accompanying me (nice, her), took a bath while YY went online, then I went online, checked mails, did everything I needed, got ready to go off to the wake again. Ended up my father came back with bro, who has his last mcq paper, science, tomorrow, and so cannot stay overnight, and my mother with Olivia. So it's my father and me at the wake tonight. We reached the wake at like 1.30am or something. I read my literature notes, did some successful studying on poems/sonnets/free verses/styles, while Yee wen, her mother, pee ing gugu and my father were playing mahjong. Because gugu and my father don't know how to play, Zicheng was teaching both of them to play. I kept on looking over to see gugu's tiles. Very tempting. Oh, I'm a lousy player. I've played mahjong maybe a couple of times.
Couldn't stand it after a while. Went to sleep at 3+am. Took one of the blankets that people sent, after they have removed all the tags and then laid it on the floor in mama's house, shared it with Wei ru. We slept on one half of the huge blanket, then used the other half as a blanket. I thought of it. I think at the end of the night I kind of took away her side of the blanket too. It isn't very comfortable sleeping like that. It's hard and the floor is cold and I can't sleep on my side. Doesn't matter, I like sleeping on my back anyway. Woke up here and there, so not a nice sleep but woke up quite refreshed nevertheless.

Day 5 (Tuesday, 22nd nov. 2005)
How do I put it? The day doesn't matter. Had breakfast, went down, offered a joss stick to my grandma, looked at her for a bit. I thought prayers would start at 11am so I went to look at her, wanting to remember how she looked like. I fear I might forget her face. Kok Foo susu actually took pictures of her in the coffin! With flash somemore.. =D Well, at least there is something we can look at to remind ourselves how she looked like and how the went as time passed. After that I sat at one of the chairs and tried to calm myself down a bit. Was... sad and missing her already when I realized what was going to happen today. Prayed more in our socks. Walked in our socks in the rain from the building to the main road. Got onto the bus, went to kuang ming shan. Nice place. Cold because of the rain and the air-con. Climbed up the stairs, passed the toilet, many of our relatives went to the toilet. I continued up in my wet socks, am not in the mood for toilet breaks. They asked those who were there to sit down, I didn't, not yet, because it felt weird, until I asked Yong Hao if we should sit down. When he sat, I sat too. Then Olivia came when I was preparing to sit and she sat on my lap. We got on our knees and prayed then walked around the altar and in front of the coffin. Btw, we were in a section, like a big cubicle, you know. Then in front is the door to the furnace. We were standing up, I was standing at the side because there was not enough space at the back, nobody was in front of me, I had full view. The wheel beside the door turned, the door opened, the coffin with mama's clothes and shoes on top rolled in, then the door closed. Then I cried. I couldn't hold it in any longer. It was all so fast. Within 5 seconds, done. Burning. Physically gone forever. YY behind me was surprised that I cried. I looked everywhere and at the door to try to keep from crying. Got other relatives crying also. Then still sniffing and trying desperately to hold back my tears I removed my socks and threw them into the dustbin with everyone else, removed the piece of cloth from my shirt and put it on the altar. I didn't dare look at anybody in the eye. When I did I lifted my chin and widened my eyes, I thought it would give me the look of nonchalance. As if my tears were because of something in my eye and my sniffing of a cold. Then still trying to keep from crying I took my shoes, took my father's shoes. My mother was surprised to see me cry I think.
On the bus, sniffing, breathing, concentrating on the spot-the-differences picture at the back of the seat in front of me. Wanted to cry but wouldn't. I think my face was alternating between being scrunched up and in the normal state. An hour later, at 4pm, another meal. I don't know what meal is it. We have to take it or something. It's messing up my system because right now as I'm typing this I'm having gastric pains. Ok, partly because I skipped dinner. After dinner felt better. Now, feel normal. Like mama hasn't died. Like she is still at home in bed, with the tube sticking out of her nose. I didn't cry throughout these 5 days, except for today, and only that once. Will it harm me later?
Fell asleep after the meal at mama's house. Got woken up, grouchy mood, came back, online, bathed, online until now. I've been typing this for 2.5 hours. I don't believe I'm still online when I ought to be studying for JS tomorrow.
Anyway, because of JS exam tomorrow at 9 am, can't go to collect her 'gu hui' at 8am.
And that's the end of the wake.
Life goes on.

Love,
stephanie

*note: not edited. too long.

posted by tstar @ 7:32 PM 2 comments

All you need to know about today

1) I don't feel like taking the exam tomorrow.
2) I had a horrible day and I cried and I am in a horrible mood. I feel guilty about it (Don't try comforting me, I don't need it.) but I don't want to change.
3) My jacket is dirty because I wore it to that cremation place and now I have to wear a dirty jacket to exam tomorrow and I am a bit pissed about that.
4) "What if I break down during exams tomorrow?" Was thinking this on the way home from Kuang Ming Shan after the cremation and was using every bit of mental strength to hold back my tears. I perfected my breathing to do this. I don't like people seeing me crying when I ought to, ok? I SAID don't comfort me, I don't need it.
5) Now I feel like I can handle exam tomorrow.
6) I'm waiting for that special consideration form from my cousin.
7) My eating hours are so irregular now that my gastric pains are coming back.
8) I think I have gained 2 kg so now I am 42kg, which is a good thing.
9) I feel like sleeping through 3 days and not go to school for my exam.
10) If I sound crabby to you, am ignoring you, told you to leave me alone, said "no" to "Are you alright?", didn't smile the whole time I'm with any of you, sorry about it, I'm not in the best of moods.
11) Don't remind me that it is my 1st paper tomorrow and I have to go through the next week in the same mood. I'll probably fail them all.
12) We walked in the rain today because we didn't know we could bring umbrellas when sending mama off. I'd better not get sick. If I do, I'll be more crabby than ever.
13) The whole process of getting to the cremation was very fast, only like 3 min from sitting to kneeling to praying to walking and to kneeling/standing and bowing.
14) The cremation was even faster, the coffin went in within 5 seconds. Now she is really gone forever. Maybe not forever, just physically gone forever.
15) I just got my keys back and I'm happy.
16) I'm skipping dinner because I don't think I want to go back to my grandma's house for a while.
17) I am sad, was very sad, was crying, don't know if I'll break down tomorrow, need chocolate, need sleep, don't need exams, need a hug (because my mom doesn't know how to comfort me - she didn't even manage to catch the sight of the coffin being pushed in, so she's pretty upset about that), need more chocolate, need my mama, wish she would appear in my dreams and if I write anymore I'll start to cry again.

That's all you all really need to know. She got cremated at about 3pm today and I can't go tomorrow to take her 'gu hui'. I don't know what's it in english. I said DON'T COMFORT ME ALREADY! I just need chocolate. I pity LY tomorrow. Maybe we should take the bus at different times, don't want you to face my black face tomorrow. Plus my black face is for no good reason. I'm just a sour person. Told you I'm a horrible person but nobody believes me. Only my mom will agree.

posted by tstar @ 6:58 PM 1 comments

Funeral - Day 3

It is now 2am and I came back at about 1.45am. I might sleep only at 4am coz this will be a super long entry but you all only need to read up to "Dear Diary" ok? The rest is purely for my info, next time when I feel bored and look through this, I like to see exactly what I did on the days itself.

Firstly, I want you all to see this. For all my bandmates, yes, that is XMS. My alma mater sent this over, but not because of me. My uncle (da bo) is an alumni there, so they sent it when they knew his (step)mother passed away. It felt good seeing my school name there.

So today more prayers by another temple. The woman singing the prayers made me laugh. I later learnt that it was taiwan hokkein and she is "singing" a really sad story of how a woman (my mama in this case) carried a child in her womb for 9 months and then gave birth, very xin ku. It is supposed to drive away the pain from my mama's body/soul or something. Because I didn't understand what she was singing, I was trying to keep from laughing. She sounded like she is at a karaoke. Her voice went all whiny at the ends and when she came to the 'amitabha' part I really had to bite my lip. Can you imagine someone singing 'amitabha' at karaoke?

I really didn't like the way this temple prayed for mama. I didn't feel the sincerity like from shuang lin shi. Maybe because I am more used to shuang lin shi. Then when the monk put necklaces around our necks and all that he sounded a bit fierce and demanding. I started missing mama today. I thought how nice it would be if she didn't have the stroke, if she was still alive and healthy. My eyes went damp, but no, I didn't cry.

I feel so touched, Daniel just asked me on MSN where the wake is being held, that he will ask the band and see if they want to come down. If you all want to come contact me ok, I send you all the address.

No cats today, only a snail inching along.

Mama really didn't look too happy today. My aunt said that it might be because some of us have been quarelling or talking bad about people. So both of us went to the coffin and told her to an xin. Aunt read a prayer, I told mama I promise I will try not to quarrel with anybody and told her to an xin.

I feel tired, don't think I have the mood to type everything down. Maybe I'll do it after the whole thing is over. Btw, I'm staying overnight tomorrow (today) night. Tuesday is the day.

I feel oddly tired. Not only that, but an odd feeling, like I'm going for a job interview tomorrow. Nervousness, anxiousness.

Perhaps I should apply for that special consideration thing for my exams. I told Junxiang that I believe in myself, no need apply. I change my mind. Right now I can't think of anything and I feel like going to play music for 1 whole day. *shrugs* don't trust my words.

posted by tstar @ 1:59 AM 3 comments

I don't care - I'm done

I don't care how he looks at me, I said it and I feel good. Now I can finally concentrate on my exams and my grandmother. =)

I heard that the place where she is going to be cremated does it very fast. Is it at kuang ming tang or something. Will check it out and then post again. A bit scared that I'll cry on that day. I allow people to see me cry when watching movies or shows but not when I'm supposed to cry. I breathe and I think properly then there really is no need to cry. For those who still don't know, tuesday is the day, after that is my exams. Ok, have to go prepare and go down to the funeral already.

posted by tstar @ 5:03 PM 4 comments

Studying and smoking

"Can't study, can study, can't study, can study, can't study, can study..."
*Wants to pull hair out*
Then I think of work: wake up in the morning, ritual, work, ritual, home, ritual, sleep, ritual.. next morning wake up, ritual, work, ritual, home, ritual, sleep, ritual...

It is times like these that I feel a smoke would rid me of my problems... at least for a while.

Like Alvin sometimes I am very tempted to pick up that cigarette and see what happens. If I ever do, please slap me or scold me like we did to Alvin, ok? Thank you.

posted by tstar @ 3:08 PM 2 comments

I really shouldn't - in all aspects

Hmm... I really shouldn't lead him on.

(Sequel after 24th november 2005)

posted by tstar @ 1:27 AM 2 comments

Funeral - Day 2

Either the fact that mama is gone hasn't hit home or I have already accepted it. Either way I'm feeling alright, quite high, in fact, which is not how one should feel when a loved one has passed on. Mama still looks like she is sleeping, albeit... nevermind. I still feel weird praying to her everyday. She's my mama, you know? It's just... weird. I think, "I only offer joss sticks to the gods or the dead. Oh, mama's gone. Weird." I don't know. Is there something wrong with me? I think I am cold-hearted. Sigh. Did the prayer rituals today. My feet hurt from kneeling. Suddenly I remember when mama brought us to the temple to "nian jing". Haven't done that in a long time, and there is this surge of emotion in me when I see so many people praying for her.
No, I didn't cry. I heard we ain't supposed to cry. I don't know - it is good anyway. She won't feel difficult leaving us with one less person crying. Then I remember her Hazeline smell. She always uses Hazeline before her stroke. And the hair spray. Then she would use her, erm I think right hand to support her left, which was weaker, and then comb the left side of her hair using her left hand(and right). So many relatives today, some I don't even recognize. I have a huge family because my grandfather has 2 wives. My mama was a very nice person, very very nice. Received a lot of the blankets from people - made me very happy.

I felt like a waitress today because there were so many people to attend to. Relatives, friends, those who came to pray for mama.

While chatting with YY on the bench beside the block, 2 cats came and wanted to be stroked. I kept my legs up on the bench because I didn't like cats going around my legs. The couple on the other bench beside us evidently loved the cats and when they saw me pull my legs up and told the cats to go away... well, I was the show at that moment. The cats were hissing at each other, btw. They didn't like each other. The 'hua mao' was stroked and stroked by my cousin then it decided to sit underneath me and my section of the bench. I was having my period. So I was telling YY, "A cat is sitting under my bloody ass." Ok, not very elegant. Sorry about it. It sat there for I don't know how long. My legs were very tired from having to put them up on the bench. It was very pretty, though. This 'hua mao' really know how to 'por' people. Look at us with those wide eyes and then lovingly rubbed itself against YY's legs. Oh, YY smells of rodents, she was saying, because she owns quite a number of hamsters (I am very timid) that's why the cat was trying to bite her or something.

I really should put down everything that happened, but it is 2:21am now, after adding more stuff to this entry and I'm very tired. My hair is still wet and I have to blow-dry it. Good night.

posted by tstar @ 1:18 AM 4 comments

Funeral - day 1

Mama looked so peaceful today. She looked like she had a smile on her face. She looked like she was just sleeping. Almost everybody cried, except for my brother and I. I didn't shed a single tear. She looked too peaceful for me to cry.

posted by tstar @ 12:54 AM 0 comments

The day mama died.

My father popped into my room while I was sleeping this morning at I-don't-know-what-time telling me take care of my sister because he has to go to the hospital to see my grandmother who is in a critical condition. I registered the urgency, said ok, and went back to sleep.
At about 8.30am, I woke up to the sound of my brother switching on the computer and then my father on the phone talking about some Kembangan thingy, trying to find this on the website. I thought it was some community centre thing so after letting my brother surf the web for a while, trying to search for the website (he typed the name wrongly, I believe), I got up and helped him. I asked "isit community centre?" My father, through my bro, said funeral de. It was then I realized my grandmother had passed away. I couldn't find the information needed.

The fact didn't sink in until 1/2 an hour later at 9am after my mom called, I talked to her and then stayed in the kitchen for a while pretending to make a glass of milk. Cried a teensy itsy bit. I really have no appetite, so I ate a piece of bread with chocolate spread(to cheer myself up) and am now still sipping that glass of milk. My hands are shaking slightly now.

Nearly 3 years ago she had her first stroke. I remember that day because she was in my father's car with my mom and I and I think there was somebody else but I can't remember. I remember her saying she wants to see my new school - AJ. I can't even remember when it was, perhaps in January. I only know it was for band practice, (sorry my mind is a bit warbled now, can't think properly) you know those first year thing they invite us there? I can't remember the name for that event either. I feel like I want to go vomit now. Anyway she said something like, "wah, so big!" then I said bye to all of them, got out of the car and went for practice. On the way back from school, I was told, my grandmother had her stroke in the car. I was thinking, wtf, and I was at band practice. I thought that would have sworn me off band forever, but no, I didn't. She recovered and was able to walk quite a bit, can smile, can recognize people a bit. Sometimes can recognize me. Then she had her 2nd stroke. I can't remember if she had 2 or 3 strokes. I only remember the next stroke put her in bed until she died. She died of pneumonia, by the way.
I guess I shouldn't be too upset about it because she had an ok life. I mean all her kids have grown up and they're mostly nice and still come back when she was still conscious and could laugh. Then she and her daughters would cook large meals for this huge family to eat.

She loved me a lot because I was the eldest and I wasn't even there when she died. Stupid sleep. I knew I should have slept earlier last night and got up earlier this morning. At least when the hospital called I could have rushed down with my father. Stupid sleep, but no, I won't swear off sleep. =D

So now my mom is coming home from work.

I'm not really sure how I feel. I feel sad, for sure, but because I knew and had prepared myself for this day to come, I don't feel that bad. Not like a thunderbolt had struck me or anything. Oh, she died the day after I got my period. Is that a sign?

I remember now, what really bothered me was that I didn't go see her in hospital at all when she was admitted for er a week or so, and where she died at of course. Hell, I don't even know which hospital she is in. I'm a terrible granddaughter. I thought she would be fine, she wouldn't die so fast. She was admitted a couple of times before, so I didn't think too much. I guess it all boils down to stupid me. Why ah, why can't I go visit her at least once in hospital? Maybe she could have opened her eyes and looked at me, then I won't feel so bad. Stupid tears. She hasn't even seen me graduate. Hell, she didn't even see me graduate from AJ.

I'll blog more later.

posted by tstar @ 9:19 AM 0 comments

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! I want to go watch, anybody want to go watch too? We go together!
Heard that it really isn't that nice (CNM: Limited Effects theory - Opinion leaders and opinion followers. Who says this theory isn't as important now. In my opinion, it is still very much evident in the blogosphere.) and I'm not sure if I really should go catch it. First, I have to go read that book again.
Uh, where's my cousin... Hehz, my library, she. So embarrassing!

Haiz, alumni percussion is reduced to Pearl, LY, alvin, probably Jiaxing(what with his cell group. I no longer feel anything, I think. Wait till I see him again then I'll tell you if I'm still angry), probably RF and me. Graduating students joining: Carol and some-other-girl-whose-name-I-cannot-remember. So sad. The numbers are dwindling. Yizhen cannot make it because of her Japanese classes, which is really sad. So one less girl to bully onto the drumset.
But then, we need not worry because there is CAROL!!! yay! And she is one girl with the talent! And Yiang Shan when she joins in 2 years! Wah seh, all girls lor. Girl power! *grins*
Gosh, even in SPU mighty lot of girls. Last practice was all girls. Weird, LY and I thought percussion should be got more guys. Ah well, I don't mind! More chances for me to play the snare! =D So evil, me. Next time will be YS and me quarrel over the snare part, haha... K lah, just kidding, I like playing everything, so doesn't matter.

Poor Pearl, like always at timpani and mallets. Eh percussionists reading this, next time we let pearl play snare ok? =D Must have variety mah!

Exams starting soon le, but I have 0 concentration. My exams start late, end late. =( Damn sian. At least I have more time to study, what with me floating all over the house, eating, sleeping and watching TV. Good luck to all having exams!

Brother finishing Os soon. Left with 1 mcq paper next week (timing really sucks). Jia Ying having her last paper today in the afternoon, A level chemistry (timing really sucks as well). So envious of them. I still have 6-8 more semesters of exams to go and I have to get past this first set of exams. =(

I love exams. Yay.

posted by tstar @ 12:33 AM 3 comments

Angel by Sarah McLachlan

This is one of my favourite songs. Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" from "City of Angels". Isn't this ironic in the light of my first post today?

posted by tstar @ 6:19 PM 0 comments

I have already sent 2 of my CNM group mates the pictures of the grades of the project since I collected it from school today. But since I have already said I would post it up here, and I have not sent it to Belinda yet, I just post up here ba... Er, btw, I really don't know why got 2 different marks down there.

This 2nd picture is the comment.
And then in case we (in this case, me then) forget how the cover page looks like:

Ok, exams. Haiz.

posted by tstar @ 5:10 PM 0 comments

Blogging at 8:20am

I am crazy! Blogging at 8:20am! But I cannot stand it already! I must write down!

Last night I was lying in bed listening to my Celtic cd. It's always my celtic cd. I tell you I LOVE that cd. The songs, I mean. I wouldn't want to make love with the cd itself. Okok, out of point. Anyway, I was listening to a few songs and for the first time in a long while, I lost myself in it. The most obvious song is Hedwig's Theme from Harry Potter by John Williams. I could imagine myself to be flying, through danger, excitement, to freedom, to troubles again etc etc. It was so god-damn exciting. Sorry, I am so worked up I can't think of a better word to use. Even as I'm typing this my hands are cold and I am on the verge of crying and laughing at the same time. See, I'm crazy! I told you so.
If I could choose something to be in love with forever, it would be with music. I think it's pretty obvious. It doesn't matter if nobody wants me in the future because I have my music. It doesn't judge you, doesn't reprimand you. It only comforts you, mirrors you and shows you the way. Plus it is always there. So I was listening to the disc last night and I became so awake I couldn't fall asleep. I'm awfuly tired now, but I woke up at 6am I think and lay in bed for an hour or so. It was like I am at a concert, in the state that I was a few years ago. Ears in tip-top condition and able to catch every single detail of the piece. I could hear the flute on the brass, like a layering. I can see the music. A little stream of silver on a darker streak of colour and it flows through, in front of me. It goes on and on and you wonder, what's going to come next? Then there's a change of timbre and what I see in my mind's eye is different once again. It repeats itself again and again. That's what I go through everytime I attend a concert. That's why I never find a concert too long in the past, why time is never an issue for me. When I am there, time doesn't exist. Either the music is there or it isn't, simple. See why I love going to concerts so much? Gosh, I am sniffing now. I'm crazy, aren't I?
Those songs without words are beautiful enough because you can experience everything the composer or the players are trying to convey to you without the presence of words. Then I realized that songs with words can be beautiful as well. Not those pop songs you know - those are for entertainment, but those.. I don't know what you call them. Especially when I don't know the language, I hear the different little sounds or words of the language. They are music themselves.
Got that out, and have stopped sniffing. Wanted to say that sometimes music can be a female, a male or an IT. A sentence in the middle of nowhere sia, haha...

Btw, this is my sister: I think you all never see her before. She's slightly older now. 7 year old. Yes yes, 12 years difference. Both tigers, so both very fierce. She's very brave lor, and very STUBBORN! More so than me. But sometimes very sensible too. I have another brother, but I don't think he wants to have his picture posted up, not that he would see it anyway. I have a post written on him but I can't find it...

Well, cheers! It's time for study and then to school!

note: this post is not edited because I feel guilty wasting 30 minutes on typing this.

posted by tstar @ 8:20 AM 6 comments

newspaper article; job; madonna; lucky

Japanese princess quits monarchy, marries commoner

"Japanese Princess Sayako, the emperor's only daughter, quit the world's oldest monarchy and married a commoner, setting out for a new life at age 36 as a middle-class housewife.
Sayako, who had insisted for years she would wait to marry, walked several steps behind the groom to a specially built Shinto altar in a prestigious Tokyo hotel in a reverse fairy-tale that has been closely followed across Japan.
Wearing a simple Western-style white dress and a single-strand pearl necklace, Sayako exchanged vows and shared a ceremonial glass of sake wine with Yoshiki Kuroda, a 40-year-old urban planner.
Sayako quit her job as a part-time bird researcher and, under a now controversial tradition, loses her imperial status by marrying a commoner. . ."

on yahoo! news(click for full article)

Such news! And I wonder why straits times didn't report it. Heard it on radio today and went to search the papers. Am studying Japanese Studies, that's why I was interested in this piece of news. So brave of her!

----------------------
Consider the following social situation:

FriendA (not my FRIEND) introduces a close friend(friendB) to another of his close friend(friendC).

A: friendC, meet friendB. (Let's assume friendC and friendB are the people's names ok)
C: Hi, friendB. *shakes hands with B* You are a ....?

What would you put in the blank? People will most probably say, "I'm a student" or "I'm a salesperson" or "I'm the CEO of a huge company and you must be the waiter here". Alright alright, I was just kidding on the last one.

So, does a job define a person? Are you your job? Are WE our jobs?
I was studying for psychology and this chapter, Social Psychology: Group Influences on Individual Behaviour: Our Social Selves: "Who are We?" like completely answers my question. So here's an excerpt:

"Your personal identity ("Who am I?") is the part of your psychological make-up that distinguishes you as a unique individual. You might think of yourself as a caring, creative person who likes pepperoni pizza, jazz, and sci-fi movies. Your social identity ("Who are we?") refers to your sense of yourself as a member of the various family, kinship, religious, national, and social groups to which you belong. You might refer to this part of your identity by saying, "I am a Catholic... I am a software developer... I am a Mexican American... I am Jonathan's dad." Our social identity converts the "I" to the "we". Social psychologists believe that people have a fundamental need to be members of groups - to belong."

Oops, it actually answers the question of why we say we are our jobs and not if we really are our jobs. There have always been people thinking if we associate our lives too much with our jobs so that we become our jobs and our jobs are us. Without them, we are nothing. I guess social conformity also applies here - if we don't have a job, then we are good-for-nothings, which leads to the have-to-have-a-job-if-not-I'm-done-for mentality which somehow leads to the we-are-our-jobs mentality. Hmm, complex.

I wish I could one day reply to the question of "You are a...?" with "I am a musican." Ahh... the immense gratification of doing that! And my vocabulary is getting better! =D
Anyway, I hope people see that we are not our jobs. People are individuals who hold a job only for survival purposes.

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What's Madonna's latest song? Is the song even Madonna's? Er, something about time passes by so slowly... Gosh, I absolutely detest that song! The repetition drives me crazy.

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When I was working for BOSE at the PC show this year, there was this guy working for apple stationed with us. He's from NUS too, I think final year already, and he was either from Science or Engineering. I can't remember. But he's very nice and he mistook my cousin for a malay! =D He minors in business and you know what, I can't remember his name either. He said we should have lunch together in school one day but we never exchanged numbers. So sad. I wonder if he mentioned lunch only out of courtesy's sake. I hope not, that would be so fake!

----------------------
I was reminded of Jeremy. Why? Because of SH. Both are freakingly similar - both are virgos (SH: because I saw it in your profile) and both are nice people. Felt so touched when Siu Hang sent me "Overture for Percussion Ensemble" recording because my Xinfony II cd had spoilt and the static noise is louder than the music (thanks again!) and was reminded when I once mentioned to Jeremy about Flight of the Bumblebee piano score and some time later he handed me the score in lecture. I was so surprised then! Haha... And so touched also. Btw for those who don't know, Jeremy is ATTACHED ok! He's a good friend, so don't bother trying to tease me about him! Haha... How come I get to know such nice people huh? I am lucky.

Then LY is offering to go to school earlier tomorrow with me to collect my lit. essay before going to watch that JS film. SEE? I am lucky, I know it and I should learn to appreciate it.

posted by tstar @ 6:10 PM 4 comments

Xinfony III (or was it II...?)

So last night LY and I were chatting about the music our band played in concerts, and she inspired me to go listen to them again. So today while studying, I listened to Xinfony II cd. I tell you, I couldn't concentrate on my studies. After listening to Singapura Medley I wanted to cry! It was so god-damn, bloody beautiful. We could have gotten a gold with that version, but no, we had to play a silver version on that-fateful-syf-day. Actually, it doesn't seem that important then that we played a gold version after the syf day, and it doesn't seem that important now either. Who cares, as long as we played great music! Like LY said, the songs brought back a lot of memories. Sadly, some of the data in the cds seem to have eroded (or corroded) or something. I don't know what's the word for it. My radio/cd player cannot read the discs! *sad*

And the second piece we played, When the Stars began to fall, it's my favourite piece then and still is now. I played the snare for that piece! And I didn't screw up! So proud of it! It's really, really good. Hmm, but there was more clapping in "stars" than in "singapura" which is really weird since the latter is better than the 1st. Maybe Miss Tan was bowing to the audience and introducing us, that's why. Yeah, that must be it.

The 2nd part of the concert was horrible. It has always been horrible, the 2nd section. Messy and unmusical. Guess because we were tired and the lousy pieces somehow always end up in the 2nd part. Why ah? Oh yar, because we wanted the audience to come back for the 2nd portion. Right. Haiz, I miss performing as an XMSB member. Most of all I miss those times when Miss Tan force us to listen to each other and would scold us when we play wrongly. And when one of the section/person plays wrongly the whole band will look at him/her say "oi!" and then we all laugh, but the point is clear - concentrate and play properly! Oh I miss those times alright. I miss my percussion section too! All those times.. haiz. If I type it here, it will be an ultra long entry, so I won't. I talk with LY about it on 151 can talk from one interchange to the other. =D

Those were the days... I'm old! Shucks.

I really want to put up some the pieces we played here, but that audio clip html SH told me to put in looks damn funny and I don't know if he is just kidding me or something... I mean, I know I'm cute (I'm j.k!), but what has that got to do with the audio clip? Please enlighten me.

Have I ever told any of you, I once felt extremely guilty about Murni during one of the concerts? I think it was Xinfony II - we were sec. 3 then, no? Yes, we were. Or was it in Xinfony III... There was this part in a song where there is a tambourine part, I can't remember which song was it, I think it was in Xinfony III, we had given the part to somebody else to play. Before the piece, she came up to me and said, "I really want to play the tambourine part for this song, can I?" Something like that. You see, she's not very good at her rhythm and stuff although she tries very hard and she had practiced for that piece although we later on, very later on, changed the player. At that time I looked at her, thought about the concert and turned her down. I feel so guilty now. She's a really small-sized, quiet and timid girl. She had gathered up the courage to ask to be put on stage, and I blatantly turned her down because I was afraid it would ruin the concert. So stupid of me then. What is a little probable mistake in a concert already full of mistakes, compared to a large boost of encouragement to a girl like her? She later quit the band (I think) when we graduated.

If I could go back in time, I would let her play the part. I can't help feeling guilty towards her. Sometimes I think I cannot face her properly, that I don't have the right to be her senior, that she has the right to not look at me, to despise me. I know I shouldn't think this way, but sometimes I still do. If I had let her played, perhaps she would be in a different situation now. She could have come out more confident, excited, feel more passion for band and have seen what advantages a little courage could have brought her. Why did she ask me anyway?! I'm not the SL, not the ASL! If she asked somebody else, like Pearlin... oh right, I remember now, because I was the only senior backstage then since everybody else was on stage for that piece.

I guess I came out knowing a little more. I gained, but she didn't.

posted by tstar @ 8:07 PM 3 comments

I resolve not to interfere in FRIEND's relationship.;"print screen"

Like that's going to happen.

Everytime she tells me something he did to her, I want to smack him. =D I sound so violent. And I learnt how to do the 'capture screen' thing! Thanks, LY! And I finally can load it up here! Thanks SH! yay! I feel so proud of myself. Better write it down in case I forget in the future. Ok, just use that "print screen" button on your keyboard, and then go to paint, paste, save as GIF or JPEG then load onto blogger as usual.


Good! Next time I can just use this instead of using my camera.

posted by tstar @ 2:07 PM 3 comments

I'm so flattered!

Aww, a guy wrote such nice things about me, I'm so flattered! =)

I should get back to the books.

posted by tstar @ 11:50 PM 5 comments

STRIKE IT UP!

Studio Percussion Unit(SPU) cum 2/4 Percussion 1st concert - Strike it up!
A percussion ensemble concert with pieces ranging from contemporary to ethnic music.
23rd December 2005, 8pm at YMS Arts Centre. Tickets priced at $12. Contact me or pearlin for tickets and/or details!
email: ng.wan.jing@gmail.com/ pearl's email i dunno which one got space lehz... haha...

posted by tstar @ 1:59 PM 0 comments

HE HELD HER HAND!!

And I am utterly displeased about it.
Don't I sound like a jealous person who fell for FRIEND the same time XBOX did?! Ewww!

posted by tstar @ 1:54 PM 0 comments

FRIEND and XBOX

Wah, I tell you, I very fed-up with this XBOX who likes my FRIEND. He is very nice to her, but one big problem... ... he cannot get attached because of his sport and his coach says only his cycling and school, no girlfriend. And he told her le lor! And he still treat her so nice! Ma chiam he wants to go steady with her! If he can and wants hor, I'll be very happy and excited for my friend but he cannot lor and he still so brainless, treat her so nice, make her confused only!! Like today ah, bring her out for supper! I ask you, this kind of guy got brain or not? Know that he cannot have her for at least another 5 years then don't tempt her and make her wait lah! Stupid. When my friend told me he's going over to fetch her out to supper, I was like, wtf! Even she herself is damn confused lor! If you like her but can't go out with her then don't make her so confused lah! What supper?! Better don't let me see him, I tell you. I will diao him diao until he look away. Then I will interrogate him. Irks me to no end that he says one thing and does another. He said, I quote, "he cannot be in a relationship now and he only has 4 or 5 more years to cycle, its better that we stay as friends".
Warned friend to take care of herself tonight, must remember don't do anything stupid. Don't complicate things further. Of course you can say that friends go out for supper mahz! Please! 2 of them only ah? He don't have other friends? Why must be her? So obvious lorz! Please think conservative Asian type.
Better don't say anymore le, in case friend gets upset... No point dwelling on it.

posted by tstar @ 1:30 AM 2 comments

SPU 2

SPU practice was good today. Started real late, but ended on time.
Overture for Percussion Ensemble rocks! Challenging with all the syncopated notes, but real fun to play. Have to coordinate with Melody. Pressure. I'll just have to get the recording somehow and listen to the coordination. Or I'll just recall the melody that Melody's playing (haha!) and sort it all out. Very tricky - she off-beat, I on-beat. She on-beat, I off-beat. Then sometimes we're together. It's very, very fun to play although I'll probably mess up on that day. *Pray* Please don't let me mess it up! I've botched enough concerts already.
Haven't tried the actual speed on chimes today because the chimes is somewhere else... Left don't know how many bars on the floor, how to play?! So I used keyboard instead. But I love the syncopated. Ok, I'll continue loving it until I start doing the actual speed on the chimes itself then I'll have tired arms and a strained neck. Try playing the bars above you while looking at the score full of quavers and syncopated notes beside you. Maybe I'll hate it then. Plus when nearing the concert Damien sure will be fired up and start scolding everyone, even more stressed then!! Poor pearlin was sight-reading today. Thought she did a decent job on it, though. And Yizhen ah, say cannot, cannot! for Ceremonium on snare but in the end also play nicely! Haha... Me ok lah, have to practice the slow part for ceremonium, got trouble reading 2 notes at 1 time. Always have. A bit exasperating lahz...

And I'm happy that I can hear a bit of what others are playing le, which means I am improving! Yay! I want to return to last time like that.

Back to the books it is!

posted by tstar @ 7:42 PM 8 comments

Schrodinger's Cat

There is an idea in physics regarding "Shrodinger's Cat". A cat is in an opaque box with a mechanism connected to a radioactive substance which has a probability of decaying, emitting certain radiation. When the mechanism is activated by the decaying of the radioactive substance, it knocks into a bottle of chemical in the box, breaks it, and the chemical kills the cat. So in technical terms, a particle is in 2 states simultaneously until a measurement is performed. That is, the cat is in 2 states (life and death), because there is the probability of the substance decaying and then there's the probability that it will not, until we look in to determine it's state. The consciousness of the observer will thus collapse the state of the cat(particle) into 1 - life or death.
However, there is this question of whose consciousness? Does it have to have consciousness in order to collapse into 1 state? Consciousness should not matter, does it? Does everything need consciousness in order to exist? Does the universe need us to be conscious of it so that it exists?That's where the idea "Wigner's friend" comes in, but nevermind about that.

The thing I want to say is that it's interesting what consciousness is and as in the questions above, do we really need to be conscious of things around us for them to exist? So we need to be conscious of that building outside our window for it to exist. And the table we write on, and the keyboard I am touching now. All these are so solid, how can they not exist? When we can see the item, like that building outside my window, we know that it is big and steady. But then if we need to be conscious of it for it to exist, then what is that building anymore? Is it even there? It is scary to think that if we are not conscious of an item, it is just not there - disappears.

We can see these items so we know their supposed properties, so close your eyes and touch them with your fingertips. What do you feel? What is your impression of these items? I sound a bit confusing here. What I'm probably trying to say is that, we see things and we know what they are but we don't know what they are made of, the feel of them, the sturdiness, the softness. We don't register the hard surface of our tables, or the concreteness of our buildings and our walls.

Isn't it the same for humans as well? Sometimes we see and we know, but we don't register. Reminds me of Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye.

posted by tstar @ 12:33 AM 2 comments

Angry again today

I was angry again today. So very angry that I cursed the computer meant for releasing print jobs at AS7 and mumbled to myself while attempting to print the cursed JS project. I had forgotten why I was so angry after I finally (and I mean finally) handed up the project, by myself. I just recount the day ok. So I think it is going to be a bit boring, but I'll start cursing and bitching somewhere in the entry so you can go look out for those bits.

JS lecture at 12pm. I was supposed to leave the house at 10.30am in order to get there in plenty of time to spare. By the way, last night.. oh, it should be the night before this already, so on the night of Wednesday 9th nov. 2005, I was busy doing the bibliography of both JS and my 5,000-word physics term paper until 2am when I decided that I was too tired and would take a 5-min break. I ended up sleeping until 6.30am on thursday morning, with the computer running through the 4 hours and the lights fully switched on. I must stop giving in to temptations and make good decision. A good decision now would mean to stop blogging and go study, but well, if I don't get it out I'll go break something else later.

So anyway, I woke up at 6.30am, looked at the sky, saw light and panicked. Why is it light when it is supposed to be 3am (in my sub-consciousness it was 3am)? Jumped up, knew I had overslept, brushed my teeth belatedly, washed my face and then sat in front of the computer again to finish the biblio. I had already about finished the biblio of JS on wed night so I sent a copy to both laurence (the ass) and benedick with a request for Laurence to do the footnotes because I had realized that I had no idea how to do footnoting. I don't even know the purpose of it. My physics term paper no footnoting! Shit lor, don't know how. Please don't fail me. puhleeease...

He replied quite late, so I asked Jacqueline to do the footnoting instead. It was about 10am already, so I quickly sent the document to her email, and I got the impression that she would be doing it in school. When I told Laurence that it's ok, I told Jac to do the footnoting, he said "I didn't say I don't want to do... when did you ask jac?" through sms. I admit it's my fault lah, I really did everything too late, fell asleep last night, horrible. And I was rather cold towards him. He should have gotten my point today.
To cut it short, 4 out of 5 of us met at the back of the lect hall and did our footnoting there and then. Oh, I had previously found out that we were supposed to hand it in during our lecture. Sweet. Haven't even footnoted, how to print? Don't talk about handing it up. Ended up can hand in at 5pm. Which I did.

Seriously, he's pretty useless (u know who i'm talking abt) even when he's at the final, desperate meeting today. Forget it lah. Ok, so lect ended at 1pm, with an hour to spare. Ben went for tutorial at about 1.40pm, so Jac, laurence and I went to AS7 to print the doc. And guess what? There was something wrong with our document, cannot print! Keeps showing "preparing to print background of word document..." and then hang there. Kaoz. Was damn fed-up.
Jac left soon because she had to meet someone else. So I told laurence to get another computer and try. He got the one next to me and I sent him the project. Ask him to print he talk so much. Say that don't know if must put cashcard first or not. I told him I print here everyday in a du lan tone. End up still cannot print. F*** lah. Ask the uncle there for help, he say doc problem, which was spot-on.
Then Ben called on my phone, say that the forms are with him. Prior to that laurence say that he had lost the forms. (I wanted to smack him, but I shouldn't have. People are careless sometimes.) Luckily it's with Ben. So because I was trying desperately to print my term paper and the project, I asked laurence if he could go to AS3 there to meet ben and get the form. He was like "huh...", so I stood up and said forget it, I go get. I had the same reaction as him when ben asked me to go, so I guess I can't blame him. My fault here, when ben told me to go down I was so muddle-headed from all the frustration that I didn't realize I should have just went down immediately to get the forms instead of asking ben, who had tutorial at 2pm, to come up to the com lab. Apologies to ben for that. He was the patient type though, so I was lucky.

Then laurence told me to print the appraisal form, so I mentioned that Mabel's form is with him and he say that nvm, can I just print 2 blank copies, 1 with mabel's name on top in a du lan tone also. I just nodded. F*** him lah, my money ok! Waste $, waste paper. In the end he printed Mabel's form and I printed out mine. Gave him my cashcard to pay for his printing but he don't know so I went there with him instead, but I was very pissed mainly because I have a personal grudge against him which I know is wrong but I can't help it. And the fact that the stupid project got something wrong. Kaoz. And he talk so much. Why must he talk so much?

We tried to print the proj again from laurence's com, it failed again. So we were questioning why and he keep saying, "why ah? how come like that?" something like that lah. I said don't know lehz, don't know why like that also. I noticed that Jac's name was missing her surname so I just pointed it out as a side-remark and he said, "nvm, that's a minor detail, now the important thing is that why this thing cannot print." His tone was that of an adult explaining to a kid a concept or idea, but his tone has always been like that. He always talks like that. Please note that this is a biased thing ok, you all TRY and judge as fairly as you can through all the biasness.

The anger has made me mess up the chronological happenings of the events. He also edited Mabel's form. I was angry with what he did and I showed it. (I said, "I still think..." to which he gave the standard answer, "blah blah blah" in the middle, and I continued with "nvm nvm, forget it..." then turned away.) Then I realized only a couple of hours later that he edited the section "ownself" and put it to higher marks, so I guess it is alright although I really don't like his actions. He change others' opinions. After a few failed attempts at printing, he went to ask Dr. Asato if can give softcopy while I tried to print again. He brought the forms with him.

Yes, the forms. In the end I just put all the same marks for the different categories except for 1 where I gave him 6/10 for attendance and all that. I regret already. I should have given a true account. Well, I did write at the bottom that "Laurence did not contribute much but he did find some websites which were important to our project."

No, asato said. Must have a hardcopy by 5pm today. Okay... Laurence told me over the phone to just try and print again then if cannot then... I don't remember what he said. I remember he said he doesn't know what to do either. And then he went off to study, leaving me at the computer lab, trying desperately to think of ways to print. I mummured under my breath to his leaving back, "who does he think he is?" I think the people around me, especially the nice girl next to me heard me. Like whatever. I was angry, remember. I printed my term paper then. I msg Mabel, ask if she knows what to do. Might be configuration problem, she says. Try another printer. Which means I have to walk all the way from AS7 to Central Library/AS1's campus supplies printing room which is god-damn far away. I was getting majorly pissed off again. I decided to go to the CL's instead. Met my literature classmate on the way (she's my ex-colleague at IRAS too) and I ranted to her and she accompanied me until everything was done. Thanks a lot! I cursed and talked so loudly that people were staring at me. Couldn't be bothered. Was majorly angry.

Can't print at CL also, so with Mab's advice, seeked help from the CL com guys. They were super nice! Helped me to convert word to pdf format, which wasn't successful, so they saved it to their thumb-drive (er i spelt it right hor) and printed it from their laptop. Super nice of them to help me over like 1/2 hour. Thank you! So thanks to them, I finally managed to print the project at about 3+, 4pm. And I haven't had my lunch. Gastric problems going to come again if I continue like this for a few more days. Then I binded the proj at campus supplies. Kaoz, waste so much of my money. Haiz. My allowance is gone. Heartache. Exaggeration lah, but I don't spend a lot and every cent counts. Esp when I'm not working.

So I assumed laurence has handed up the forms, but he didn't. I was halfway to AS4 to hand it in when I had to walk all the way back to the forum to get the stupid forms from him. I seriously have a personal grudge against him. Took the forms from him, changed the figures on my form to those stated above and then handed it in at 4pm, I think, to Dr. Asato. (the event of being in his office was embarrassing enough. had to borrow his table to finish my comments coz I wanted to know if we would be getting the forms back, i.e, if laurence would be reading them. I don't have backbone also.) Had lunch, went to Science to hand in my term paper at 5.10pm, met ben on the way at arts, told him what happened, was thinking about my money (I printed colour for some pages, mind you). Spent some time looking for the lecturer's office, which LY actually stumbled upon while trying to find it as well earlier in the afternoon (sorry about the call, shen chin, I was getting desperate and called every science student I knew, which happen to be only 2 and you are 1 of them. =D sorry ah), handed it up and felt so relieved. Managed to leave school by 5.30pm. An amazing feat, if you ask me. I was starting to think that I would be staying overnight in school.

I should stop thinking about my hate towards him. Yes, it has increased to hate. It will only spoil my health.

Good night! morning.. whatever.

And thanks to all for your support! =D

posted by tstar @ 12:18 AM 1 comments