A Replacement to Writing? 2005/2006

-End of 2005 and End of Blog-

Because

1) of my considerable loss of interest in blogging, and
2) my dislike in the direction my blog is heading towards,

I use this opportunity, with the ending of Year 2005, to officially announce the close of this blog...














... until further notice.

Happy New Year 2006, everybody!

posted by tstar @ 11:53 PM 4 comments

working; pointless Qns

When working...

Handphone rings. Reject. Promptly forget about it.

Handphone beeps. Ignore. Promptly forget about it.

Handphone alarm rings. Press and ignore. Promptly forget about it.

Lunch break...

Checks phone. Cancel everything. Give one word replies. Should I type more... Nah, too tired, need to have lunch... Can't be anything important. Later then reply. Promptly forget about it.

Home...

Reads blogs. Oh my god! She did this! She did that! This happened! That happened! Promptly faints.

Ok, I didn't faint. I did to some extent do all those other stuff though. When I'm working, I miss out on a lot of things in my own family and my friends' lives.

49th (or is it 47th?) day of grandma's death coming soon.

(Been feeling faint recently. Talk to customer halfway and felt lightheaded then wondered if I going to pass out there and then. Amusingly, I wondered how the customer would react if I really did pass out and toyed with the idea of allowing myself to surrender to the giddiness. Decided not to. So childish, go faint for nothing. )

Been really worried recently.

What is the world like when one is blind? What is the world like when one is on his way to being blind?
What is the world like when one is deaf? What is the world like when one is on his way to being deaf?
What if I lose my sight one day? What if I lose my hearing too?
Would I still function?
People might still acknowledge my existence but would I acknowledge my own existence?

Pointless questions on baseless doubts.

(I know it's a pointless post! I'm working on finding back my style and what I yearn to post! Still working on it!!)

posted by tstar @ 12:34 AM 3 comments

Those Croc shoes

My retail counter at Suntec was situated almost exactly where it was exactly a year before - in front of the escalator.
Last year there were pretty boys to look at because of the AMEX roadshow.

This year I stared at a pushcart selling those Croc shoes.

My colleague/friend, Ariel, stood by me today and mummured, "I don't believe that we have to look at those shoes..."
I nodded furiously.
She said, "My friend, a cook (or something like that), tells me that it was modeled after those shoes people wear in the kitchen. Shoes that are easy to wash - can just soak in hot water and that's it - after an oily, wet and messy day in the kitchen."

They look cute when they are small and on toddlers' feet.

I witnessed a girl trying them on. First reaction: HAHAHA! What the heck is she doing?! Kitchen shoes! HAHAHA!
2nd reaction: SHE LOOKS GOOD IN THEM.

Mindset before above scene: They'll never be in fashion. I'll never like them. Ever.
Mindset after above scene: They'll never be in fashion. Well... actually they don't look so bad. When they are small. *looks at feet* My feet are small.

Somebody please buy all those shoes and get them away from my sight.

posted by tstar @ 12:31 AM 3 comments

We all lose sight of things sometimes

From movie "Drumline":

"... you lost sight of it. And it's ok because... we all lose sight of things sometimes..."

For a couple of months, I lost sight of why I blog and of why I write. I let potential events which could be turned into fine writing become distractions.
I blog and I write because I want to share, not what I do everyday, but my thoughts and feelings on anything and everything. I write because I love writing. I don't have to write if I don't feel like it. I don't have to do obligatory posts.
I don't have to be anybody else because I am me. What I write reflects me. I don't have to change my style of writing to suit others.
Good. I'll only blog when I feel like it, and I'll write whenever I like, whatever I want, whether people like it or not.

Have you lost sight of something? Has something you once loved doing become mundane? Has it ever occured to you to ask why? Probably because you just lost sight of why you loved doing that task.

Sometimes I love school. The prospect of diving head-first into school life again prompts my brain to work. To think and to write and to blog.
Other times... I still love school. =)

posted by tstar @ 1:22 AM 0 comments

Photo on concert day

I've been pacing my house occasionally for the past 2 hours or so.
Anyway, just received the 2 photos from Strike it up! concert from Yiang Shan. Now then realize only 3 guys performed that night. Amazing. How did percussion become a girls thing? Don't understand why there could be more girls than guys in percussion. In XMSB, the same thing is happening. Percussion is overrun with girls! Come on, guys! Where have you all gone to?!
Here's the photo to show you the ratio of guys to girls that night, guys in blue shirts, girls in white:

Oops, Bing Yiih is in white, but he's a guy alright (not that I checked)! Just that we ran out of blue shirts...

Singapore's First Independent Percussion Ensemble and its first concert, Strike it up! Thanks again to those who attended it.

If I don't blog, I'll be pacing around the house again, so I'd better find something to do.

posted by tstar @ 9:17 PM 2 comments

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all!

Just got back from studio after performance at Istana park. We were riding at the back of the lorry and Hariyani was extremely hyper and wrote "Merry X'mas" on a piece of paper and then showed it to every other car that was behind us. People actually waved at us and shouted "Merry Christmas" back to us! We were really quite embarrassed, but it was really fun as well. Laughed until stomachache. Actually I was a little worried that it would divert the drivers' attention from the road and result in some accident or something, but things turned out alright, so it's ok.

Tickets and money settling on monday. YZ will be our new finance/account manager or whatever the post is called. Yay! Oh, she will be very stressed, though.

Performance has become more of an obligation than one of enjoyment. Today/yesterday was not bad though. I actually got through all 3 parts of my Overture perfectly. Perfectly. Couldn't believe it. I tell you I love that piece now. Oh I love any piece that I can play nicely. =D

Pearl is sick. Still go out for supper somemore. Tsk. But she is so social and popular, can't blame her if people want to ask her out. I'd rather stay home or spend a Christmas with my close friends. No partying please.

Knocked my knee against the chair at Istana Park just now so now climb stairs painful. Great. Pearl has her feet hurt 4 times, and her arm bruised. And she is now out there running around.

Christmas seem to get quieter and quieter and warmer and warmer and less enjoyable with each passing year. Is it because in the past it would be raining and the weather more like christmas, and because kids always have simple view of things, that's why things always seem better in the past than in the present? The christmas tree is not even OUT of my storeroom this year. Don't really want to grow up.

Tsk, I can talk about these kind of depressing things on Christmas day, hopeless.

So...
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Have an enjoyable day!

If you have been a good boy/girl, Santa will visit you tonight! =D

posted by tstar @ 12:14 AM 1 comments

Concert day

I'm blogging today, the day after concert Strike it up! because I was in no mood to blog yesterday. In fact, I am in no mood to blog recently. Like Yishyene says, it is more of an obligation.

Concert day
Reported at studio at 9.30am, settled more ticketing stuff, then headed down to YMS with 9 other people via 3 taxis. Yes, taxis. You read right and I typed right. I'm going broke. Still owe YZ $1. =D So, setup, had lunch, rehearsed.

Concert was... not really good. Somehow conductor a bit weird weird today. But Windstone's first piece, 4th movement was not bad, I thought, energy-wise. Bayport don't know why he only conduct the first beat then stop. Start, stopped twice, which is really not good for a concert. Overture, I am really disappointed with. I just screwed it up. Everything else was average. The mood was just not there. Then So Nice don't know what happened the piano solo cannot hear at all, then I play my bass until I got lost, until Mel called for a break, then we went into the 3rd repetition. Golden Girlz entry was okay. They are really interesting, and can really talk! I on stage want to laugh already. We went into BBNCC, which was good. SC say the Golden Girlz were really interesting, which is good. Brazilian... was really messy, from what I hear. Bongos on the other end of the stage, so cannot bring over to timps, just play on roto toms. Conductor's face on stage not very happy, later then he scolded YZ for playing on the wrong octave. The thing is that she played on the correct octave. During rehearsal time, he wanted her to play on another octave, and during concert she did just that, somehow it sounded wrong, or was too soft, so he scolded her after the concert. Poor YZ cried while I was talking to my friend. Feel guilty about it. But she's alright now, hopefully. YZ don't think too much ok, scold already then just let it pass. It wasn't your fault either.

Ushers got there late but still in time. Big thanks to them for helping out at this concert despite them not being paid to do so. Tickets and money are in order and every cent accounted for. Big thanks to Kaiyun too for overseeing all 4 ushers. Audience are also quite active and luckily for them, concert was able to keep a certain energy level.

Luckily SC got there in time, after listening to my pointless road directions. Feel really apologetic that he had to ask around for directions. I think he asked for directions. Thanks to Kaiyun again for letting me hound her for directions.

MZ and Bao Ling came really early and somehow my eyes skipped over them when they were still sitting at the bench. They say that they become invisible already. Then they say that I'm too skinny! Which I totally agree with. Can't help it. Eat also no use. Then they say I am too stressed. Which reminded me that Alvin and Hongda were also there (so honoured that they are there to hear us play) and they say that I looked very stressed too. Greg came and told me specifically don't be so stressed. Somebody said that I looked like I was going to cry on stage. Think while I was at the chimes. Not my fault! My face is like that! When I'm concentrating I look stressed, when I'm not smiling I look fierce. My face only pleases itself! =D But then it's true that I was really upset at the chimes because of Overture. WHY DO PEOPLE SAY I'M STRESSED?! Am I really stressed? I don't even know and that's funny.
Then Raodah came and told me last night that I look like I'm 16 years old. Is that good or bad? Aisyah said my voice don't match my face. Face too young, voice too old.
My hair was in place last night! One of those lucky days.
Had dinner only after ticket counter was open.

Really wasn't in the mood to play today, yesterday. Makes sense? Today performance at Istana Park. Didn't really pin-point what I was feeling until Jeremy spoke it then I realized that he's right. Because of last night's concert mood, today not in the mood to play. Somehow under that happy me yesterday (I was really happy to see my friends there), something darker lies. Sounds like an advertisement. Didn't feel truly happy performing on stage last night. Something was missing. Didn't feel tired last night when I came home either. Stayed awake till about 1.30am, which is really unusual. Usually after concert I will be so tired I will sleep on the train but last night I was awake. Well, except for my feet which ache and my knees which were protesting. That uneasiness and unhappiness after the concert was what prompted me to call SH, but felt guilty after calling for disturbing him. So yesterday was a good and bad day combined.

Later performing again. Sian. Did I just express boredom and irritation at performing?! My friends would be surprised. Or not. Not the first time I actually said this.

Entry not edited. Not in the mood to edit.

posted by tstar @ 11:10 AM 2 comments

Night before Concert day

Have not been taking my medicine. There just isn't time to do so. My knees are giving out warning signs already.

Tomorrow, or technically speaking, today, is the concert. Very stressed, very unprepared. Very very very very stressed. Still very stressed. Put in Ceremonium suddenly, which I didn't prepare for. Solo somemore. Please don't screw up.

I give up playing 4 mallets for New York. Very upset. Me very lousy. Please don't screw up.

Bells mallets, please don't fly off tomorrow. I depend on you!

Overture. Please please get that first one right.
Windstone Suite. Please don't screw up.
Golden Girlz Entry, So nice, BBNCC, Bunga Sayang. Please don't screw up.
Ethnic. Please don't screw up.
Brazilian, need to tune timpani. Please don't screw up.

Ticket sales very bad.

Very tired, very stressed. Stress means want to do outrageous things.

Shit, haven't ironed pants for tomorrow. Or today. Iron after I have slept. Tired.
Oh yar, haven't pasted that 3 scores together. Better go do it now.

Not stress, not stress. Today already like the real thing le. Got scolded so many times that now I'm very tired. Poor Kim Peng, very stressed out over her solos also.

Very stressed, very upset.

Then Saturday have to play almost everything again at Istana Park. Very tired, very stressed.

No no, not stressed.

Have to tell Kaiyun about the ticketing things and brief ushers tomorrow.

Oh dear, court shoes... Where are my court shoes... Pants. Have to bring in pants. Iron tomorrow.. or today. Doesn't matter. Same date.

Btw, friends, tomorrow/today after concert got 15 minutes can meet you all. I'll see you all then. Then it's packing up, studio, and finally home.

Have to go collate the tickets.

Thanks to friends who asked me to relax.

Pants, tickets, shoes. Night.

posted by tstar @ 12:35 AM 1 comments

Would they?

People come and people go
people change, people we know (or used to know)
I've heard my friends say things
they never used to say at all.
Why did they change?
What made them so?

Would they be there
if I'm sad?
Would they be there
if I'm hurt?
Would they be there
if I asked?
How many would be there?

If I asked for a hug,
if I asked for a ear,
if I asked for a shoulder to cry upon.
If I asked for a friend in particular,
would they be there?
Would they listen at all?

posted by tstar @ 1:13 AM 2 comments

Christmas & music; concert advertisement

My friend told me to wait, so I will.

Anyway, all I want for Christmas is music. I don't know what kind of music, I don't know where it will come from. I can be the one playing it, I can be listening to it on the radio, I can be performing on Christmas Day or somebody will play a piece on the piano for me. It doesn't matter.
All I want is music.

I've been very tired, preparing for the concert. But I dare say I've been very happy. Very, very happy. Because I am surrounded by my friends who love music as much as me, or even more, and I am surrounded by music itself. It makes me very happy. The past 2 days and today have just slipped past and the concert is 2 days away. Pressurised, yes. But very happy.

Tickets are still very much available if anybody wants to go!

Advertisement

Studio Percussion Unit (SPU) and 2-four Percussion Team presents STRIKE IT UP! A Percussion Fiesta!
Pieces range from contemporary to ethnic.

Date: 23rd December 2005
Time: 7.30 - 9.00pm
Venue: Young Musicians Society (YMS) Arts Centre Auditorium
Tickets: $12

Programme includes:

Windstone Suite by Jared Spears
Overture for percussion by John Beck
Brazilian Street Dance by Thomas L. Davis
Theme from New York, New York by Fred Ebb and John Kander
Bayport Sketch by Jared Spears
Ethnic arr. Syed Ibrahim
So Nice
Baba Nyonya Cha Cha Cha (from Baba Nyonya Mari Go Round Musical 2006)
Bunga Sayang by Dick Lee, arr. Damien Lim

and other pieces...

Special appearance of Golden Girlz from Musical!

Guest player, Lily Goh, a hearing-impaired percussionist who is featured at bus-stops! Go notice the bus-stop posters! =D

Under the baton of Mr. Damien Lim.

Interested, contact Stephanie at ng.wan.jing@gmail.com or Pearlin at juz_smile54@yahoo.com.sg for tickets and/or details.

posted by tstar @ 10:38 PM 0 comments

Monday and Tuesday summary

If I were to write down everything that happened these couple of days, it would be ultra long and ultra boring. I'll keep it short.

Monday
1) Spent 13 hours at the studio and its surrounding area, namely the noodle restaurant. 9.30am to approximately 10.30pm.
2) Still haven't sorted out the whole of New York New York.
3) Within that same day manage to sell 5 tickets. 3 of which were taken by Damien. 2 by Benison.
4) Still have problems with the bongos part in Ethnic.
5) Ear problem. Melody and Alexandra helped me to buy yellow earplugs.
6) Put one earplug, feel lopsided and cannot hear properly. Put two earplugs, feel deaf. Don't put, ear painful.
7) When one is partially deaf, the other senses really become more sensitive. Had both ears blocked and then realized the floor was thumping. Was thinking that the floor is on the verge of collapsing until I saw Kim tappping the floor heavily with her foot, keeping time.
8) Waited for Lily Goh to come practice at studio, on behalf of Damien. She's hearing-impaired. And she was an hour late.
9) Waited for brother to finish using the computer, impatiently.
10) Wrote a long reply to a long email for approximately an hour.
11) Finally slept.

Btw, got pulled into combo band, playing guitar bass part on ... keyboard bass? If it's called that. Only practiced once and performing on that day. Great. I'd better do it well.
Then today last minute make me reserve for marimba II part in Bayport Sketch, a 2-four piece (I'm a SPU member) because don't know if Nadiah can play. I'll probably be practicing it twice before performing. Why did I go raise my hand when they asked who had played the marimba part before?! Because it's not nice to have them worrying over who can take the part when I know I can. Mostly. Answered my own question. But I played marimba I last time, not II, hopefully, it'll be alright. So now the number of pieces I'm playing is about 9 - 11.

Tuesday
1) Got a new piece. 2 new pieces. Silent night and that reserve part.
2) I like Brazilian St Dance although I have to switch between timpani, agogo bells and bongos.
3) Double sticking is very useful.
4) Right-hand overused. Think I injured it slightly.
5) Still haven't gotten the pants for the concert despite being in Bugis for such a long time.
6) Met 2 friends. 4 tickets. Before heading to Bugis.
7) Was very confused.
8) MSN didn't let me in for 1/2 hour.
9) My friends say I should know the principles of being a lady. Ie, I shouldn't tell guys, "Want to smell me?" when I stink, even though he is a very good friend.
10) Jeremy enlightened me. Cursing inside my head. Heartache. Not confused anymore.
11) Brother's 1st day at work, and tomorrow's his OFF day. Funny.
12) Somebody got the wrong idea. Probably because I was confused then.
13) Pimple outbreak. Always pimple outbreak. Especially before concerts and exams.
14) Tomorrow practicing at studio at 10am. Don't know if I need to turn up for 2-four practice.
15) Issue of pants and money stirred up some heat in people in the studio.
16) Buying pants tomorrow. Have to buy pants tomorrow.

posted by tstar @ 11:55 PM 0 comments

Nothing

Nothingness.
Back to square one. I am who I was.
Don't need another trophy.

posted by tstar @ 9:09 PM 1 comments

YZ's b'day; practice; dinner (MZ, BL); stupid post

A little late, but still... HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY SOON YIZHEN! =D

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to youuuu!
Happy birthday to you!

Yay! 17 years old le, technically speaking, yesterday (17th december 2005). Great! Now everybody knows your birthday. =D
But we didn't get anything for her, so feeling quite bad now. Plus remembered she and Pearl got me the pair of sticks. =(
And the poor girl had to practice for 4 hours straight at today's SPU practice. Seems as if her birthdays are always spent at some percussion thing. 2 years ago it was the NYPF, today it was the rehearsal. Affinity, I say.

Oh, I spent 8 hours in the studio today with combo practice in the morning and SPU later on. I'm tired, but not tired. When I met MZ and Baoling later on for dinner and to pass them tickets, Baoling said that despite me saying I'm tired, I look happy. I'm happy that I look happy. Does that makes sense? =D Ironically, I'm practically lost on the vibes part for "new york new york" because it is a 4-mallet piece! And I haven't held 4 mallets for a couple of years. The last time I did, I screwed the whole piece, Omens of Love. Reduced from using 4 mallets to 3 mallets for Omens, still couldn't make it. Now I have to learn this piece in ... 6 days?! Seriously panicking. Got trouble reading 2 notes already, still want me to read 4 notes. And there are the 2 new pieces that I haven't touched before... My little fingers are getting cramps from holding the mallets in place. Well, at least I have sorted out the 1st page of new york, kind of.
Oh, we're playing with Lily Goh, the hearing-impaired percussionist featured at bus-stops. Haven't seen her or heard her play yet though, but it will still be pretty cool, I reckon.

1st Chingay rehearsal tomorrow.

This is a meaningless post (except for the birthday part), don't even know why I put it down. Anyway it was weird talking to MZ and BL again after such a long time. Not a lot of common topics to talk about but still enjoyed dinner with them.

After dinner we were standing at this railing, then a guy/boy, because he looks so very young like sec3 or 4, approached us and asked if he can get to know us ("ke yi gen ni men zhuo peng you ma?"). I didn't bother answering, let MZ and BL handle because it is certainly not ME who is the target. This kind of things don't happen to me, they only happen when I'm together with my friends. I sound so pathetic, but I don't feel that way. It's fine with me, not having guys approach me like that. Saves me the trouble of thinking of the answer, smiling and replying. That guy/boy was asking if we were from secondary school or JC (I guess he saw my shirt or something). I was thinking he is so young, still want somebody from JC?! Then MZ politely refused him (MZ was our spokesperson for the night, requesting for our orders to be taken during dinner, giving our orders, requesting for the bill) and he left. Secondary school or JC students?! Grins and laughter.

BL say that I still look like that secondary school kid who was and is still very much involved in band, never change much. Maybe I will take MZ's advice and go dye my hair. My beloved BLACK hair!

Knees ached terribly today after skipping a dosage of medicine this afternoon because of practice. Simply forgot to take the medicine because I was too engrossed in the score. By the time I realized it was close to 2 hours past the timing and if I took it then, my 3rd dosage of the day would be pushed horribly back since intervals between each dosage would have to be at least 6 hours. Now I realize it doesn't really matter since I sleep very late. Ah well. My water bottle not enough water also, so cannot swallow the pills, so didn't take the medicine.

Stupid post, this. No point, not arguments, nothing important. After all, how important is a person's day as compared to the fact that there are about... 6.5 billion other people on earth. Nine "0"s is billion right? Got my figures all messed up.

Stupid post. Haiz. Incapable of writing now.

Must add in, I didn't know bus 115 had the last bus at 6.30pm, made me wait at the bus stop for nothing. First time I was late for 45 minutes.

posted by tstar @ 12:12 AM 3 comments

Knees; doctor

With persuasion from JY to go see the doctor regarding my knees yesterday, I did so today, just now. Doctor said it's slight inflammation of the kneecap (or something) and slight wearing out of cartilage. No exercises which will put unnecessary stress on my knees, which means no running, for 6 to 9 months, so it's a switch to swimming for me now. Doc asked if I needed Glucosamine Sulphate for the cartilage but I didn't know if it is necessary or if it would help so he gave it to me anyway. For him it's a chance to make more money, why not right? For me... whatever, I just take it. There are 100 capsules in the box, 3 each day, 1 capsule each time. Then there are pills for the knee cap pain, muscle relaxant and gastric medicine because for a person with gastric pains it is a must to take it when taking pain-reducing pills, to protect my stomach. So I have 4 pills to swallow each time. Because of my knees.

Then I did ask something else, but not nice to put up here so I won't.
I won't comment. It's not my body, I won't know it as well as the person. The weird thing is that I keep thinking about it and I'm actually worried. I don't know why I'm worried and I think it's pretty stupid of me to do so. Yar, whatever. Go read newspapers le.

posted by tstar @ 3:37 PM 1 comments

Inspired

I was clicking on links to other's blogs when I chanced upon this blog by currytan. Gosh, this guy writes nicely.
It is these blogs and these writers who inspire me to write better and to continue improving on my entries.
He'd probably never know, but thanks anyway. =)
I am now slightly more inspired.

posted by tstar @ 12:10 AM 0 comments

Bits and pieces 6

I feel oddly lost and sad for no particular reason. Is it because of my monthlies?

Another meaningless post. I'm losing interest in my blog and in blogging. How queer that it was only a couple of months back that I am so very addicted to blogging and so very in love with my blog.

I should start reading the papers again. Should really get back into the habit of reading fantasy books. Need that other world to live in this one.

An addiction to fantasy stories. That's better than an addiction to the internet.

And I think I'm going to see a doctor regarding my knee. It seems particularly bad this time round.

posted by tstar @ 11:13 PM 2 comments

2nd date

Everything in this post is from my point of view. It might not necessarily be what I say that really happened. I might get the wrong ideas somewhere, so please remember that what actually happened is subjective.

Went out with Siu Hang today again. Watched Perhaps Love at Tampines Mall. Saw Pearlin at Century Square working at a pushcart! Poor her, have to work until 8.30pm. Had to pretend I am a customer to talk to her, don't want to put her into trouble.

Hmm, should I tell you all everything that we did today? Nah, it would be too boring to read. =p My excuse to say no. I just write a brief summary.

He was the one who asked me out actually, and the first thing was not what we did today, it was CLIMBING. Climbing can! Pleaded with him until he say ok, won't force me go climbing, then next day decided to force me to go again. By then I already decided to go because I thought it would be something different from what I usually do. But then, everything I do is different from what I usually do... Anyway, my bad knee prohibited me from climbing anytime soon. Walk also can feel the strain on my knee, how to climb?! Somehow or other the responsibility of finding what to do fell to me so I asked LY for help. She listed all the attractions in Singapore, which was really funny. She sounded like a tour guide! An alternate occupation for her. Then I turned to SC, asked him if zoo can or not, he hear already want to faint. So I got fed up trying to find something to do and opted for the simplest and most boring thing ever -- have lunch and watch movie. Since SC say Perhaps Love is nice, I take his word for it and decided on that movie.

Perhaps Love is perhaps slightly too simple, too monotone. Yet it is also interesting and abstract at the same time. It mixes reality with the making of a musical. It shows the process of finding back one's roots, one's memories and of finding where a person's heart really belongs. I guess the interesting part is how the movie was shot, combined with the relatively simple plot, I suppose it really isn't too bad. I'm not a person who watches romance films, that's probably why in the middle of the movie I told SH that the movie sucks. Truthfully, it still isn't the type of movie that I'd watch and I still don't think it rocks or anything. Could I add a sentence and say, from a literature point of view that the movie started with everything already in place, the situation, the love, the characters of the roles. And the audience is indeed the audience. We merely watch and do not get involved, unlike many other movies that engage the audience.

So... hey! How did I fast-forward to the movie already when I haven't even told you all how it was before that?! Backtrack... Btw, the sound system suck. Keep tripping over itself, then once got no sound for 1 second, then other times... it just trips over itself lah! Backtrack backtrack!

I left the house late, but managed to reach Tampines Interchange on time. Remember that very valid reason I talked about in some previous post? SH was going crazy and on the verge of exploding from curiosity because I simply refused to tell him what it was. How could I tell him?! It would spoil the whole surprise. I realize I like to surprise people. Btw it's that kit-kat cappucino which he wanted. So when we were walking towards TM I pointed towards a random object, which happened to be something-which-I-can't-be-bothered-what-it-is outside Macdonald's, "What's that?" He turned to look, I pulled the kit-kat out and put it in front of his face. I wasn't looking at him when he realized what was in front of him but I thought I heard a little scream so I guess that's good. And all that curiosity over one kit-kat.

Had lunch, watched movie. Walked TM, walked Century, visited Pearlin. Really, that's all.

It was a hell lot better than that very first date anyway. I went there treating him as a friend and treated him as normal, so it turned out pretty good.

I can hear you all protesting that so little details. OKOK! I will write from the BEGINNING! A bit more details anyway.

I was pretty calm on the bus to TM, but then when I stepped down and saw him I started being super nervous again. As usual. Actually my hands were shaking and my legs a bit jelly already. Wasn't sure if I could pull off that kit-kat thing which I planned in my head, but I still did. Because the usual opening to the MRT was under construction or something I got messed up between the cinema at Century, and that at TM but no we didn't go to the wrong cinema. =D I'm proud of myself! So we bought the tickets first, then headed for lunch. I use to tell myself that one day I would go to the cinema at TM for a movie and today I finally did! That was a bit of an unnecessary detail in this post, fine. After lunch at the food court there it was still rather early so we just walked around and talked. Actually went into Toys R Us because SH wanted to. If it's me, I'd never have entered that place, nor would I have remembered what I played with in the past. Why is it that all the toys now are so advanced in technology?! Can't books just be books? Why must they be read by a toy doll?! Or whatever it is that it is called. Haiz, I feel old already. Out of point (to you all), I know. Okok, back. Oh, we went into Yamaha! =D Sorry, can't resist the temptation to visit a music school/shop. There is a new brand of sticks there. Either it has been in the market for some time and I didn't know about it or it is new. The former seems likely, but the latter seems equally likely. Oh, nevermind. Drifted away again.

Fast forward. Finally went into the theatre, which was really empty even during the movie itself. Only the last few rows were occupied. Anyway we were sitting at the end of the 2nd last row, which reminded me of where LY and I sat at the HP movie. Then out of nowhere he hands me the book "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", right in the theatre. I remembered I once made a comment on wanting to read that book, so nice of him to remember. Movie stated 2.10pm, movie started at 2.30pm. We went in at 2pm, stared at the screen for about 30 min and was extremely bored/irritated with the advertisements although I guess they can't help it, have to earn money so have to advertise. SH was eating that kit-kat then he kept pushing them to my mouth. I was so very slightly irritated. Very slightly only, so nothing much. Aiyo, I'm getting very long-winded you know. Yes yes, we were seated quite close. Yes yes, we were touching. Yes yes, my knee hurt. Yes yes, I cried a tiny bit. Oh, that last 2 points weren't what you all wanted to know. No no, he didn't attempt to kiss me in the dark. If he did I'd have slapped him and walked out. =D Just kidding lah! I know what you all want to know what, so I just answer them lor! He said he was prone to sleeping when watching movies, which is quite funny since I only know one other person who sleeps during movies -- my father. My father once snored in the theatre ok! Yes yes, drifting away again, I know.

So we finished the movie and couldn't quite decide where to go. I remembered Pearl works at Century Square so wanted to go and visit her. I had an ulterior motive, actually. Pearl kept asking me to take a picture of him to let her see, so I did something better, I brought the actual person to her. Sorry SH! Didn't tell you. But I really wanted to visit Pearl too. Then at some time we walked past this chocolate stall either at century or TM, can't remember which. So tempted to buy, but see price, forget it. Hehz. I mean he did offer to buy but I would feel really bad making him do so. (Ok, so in my heart I was having that very tiniest bit of hope that we really would get it, and was disappointed we didn't, but then I can't get everything that I want what. Plus I haven't started my work yet, really cannot anyhow spend.)

Hmm, at this point I must put some of my feelings down. Seriously I kind of wished that he had more initiative, yet I know it's not his fault. I don't mean that chocolate thing, I mean that... When we came out of the cinema then we couldn't decide where to go he asked me to decide. I guess because I'm really not used to deciding because I really suck at deciding things. It is always people decide then I follow, not the other way round. Plus I always thought that since he is a guy... Well, ok, I'm very hard on him aren't I? I know it's not his fault, it's just that I don't feel good always leading. It just doesn't feel right. On the other hand I could look on the bright side and think that he doesn't control me. I like a certain degree freedom after all.

Fast forward. At interchange waiting for 72, he commented my lashes curly. Yar, I have curly lashes! Without using the what's-it-called to curl my lashes. Hmm, somehow we ran out of topics. We ran out of topics way before that, I think. I'm a pessimistic person sometimes. Btw, we opted to wait for a double-decked bus. Then we were innocently sitting there when he suddenly asked if I'm afraid of being tickled or not. I stared at him, put my jacket between us and warned him that I am very afraid of it and if I do get tickled I will roll on the floor, which is really not nice to be seen doing so on the bus. Guess what? He tickled me. Pushed his hand away through that jacket of mine.

Then he tried to hold my hand. Ok, my fingers. That was all he managed to hold anyway before I pulled away. (To clarify, he didn't purposely did it. According to him, he was trying to tickle me then kind of found my fingers. Read the comments link to see his exact words.) Not now, not yet. Yes, there was physical contact during the whole date, if you all want to know, but no we were not holding hands. He said he tried to hold some other time but I really don't remember. I only remember he kept pulling at my jacket which I was wearing, then when I took it off he just held the strap of my sling bag so that the back of his hand was against the side of my hip. YES, that's what happened. I know that's what you all want to know!! Haha.. Why am I putting this down here? So embarrassing. (If you read the comments link below, you would know his purpose of holding the strap was just to hold on to me, nothing more. What I wrote is how I viewed it. I sound very defensive of myself, don't I? =D Didn't mean it, just want you all to get the right idea and it's not nice if I spoilt his name or created a false negative impression of him in you guys just because of what I wrote.)

We talked more on the bus, and he did give me another point of view regarding the incense paper burning to my grandma. (At this point SH is hurrying me on MSN.) I alighted the bus and he took the bus home. That's it. I really don't know if I should continue with this or not. Just afraid that it might come to nought. We're just so very fundamentally different. I just decided I won't think so much. But then I must think a lot because it is my nature to think a lot, too much, sometimes. It's true that one cannot truly put down all that is one's mind in one's own blog. I'd better post this first. Any more changes I'll put it in in red font.

posted by tstar @ 6:43 PM 2 comments

Nightmare

I had quite a horrifying dream last night. Must be because of that climbing thing and that entry I did that night/this morning.
Somehow we had moved house and now my entire family, plus my youngest uncle are living in a place just below a haunted castle. The first scene I think is that of a cloud drifting across the steps to the castle and then there is a close-up of a cardboard skeleton being drawn up the stairs to the castle. They were singing some rhyme that I can't remember now but which was very familiar to me in the dream. Spirits and things which wanted to harm us kept coming to our door and wanted entry through various means. The house was like my grandma's place but there are some differences like the living room changed and the size of the rooms were smaller, but my grandma's room did not change. In fact, it was the same old room before her stroke. In my dream there are only 2 rooms being shown - the living room and that room.
So anyway spirits keep wanting to get rid of us. They come in their own forms, in human forms, in animal forms. Own forms are ... I think mists like that, human forms somehow the face is always the same, animal forms... only once, a white dog. In my dream we had another dog, one which was brown in colour, very hairy and looks like my grandma's neighbour dog, Nuffy. So she ran out and got lost and in came this wet white one which I couldn't remember was our dog or not. At the last minute we realized it was an evil spirit and threw it out the door and then locked the door. Our dog then returned, cold, wet and on the verge of death. I warmed it by the "fireplace" which is really a light and one ball of like fragrance those emitter thingys with a tiny pine cone stuck in the middle. In my dream I'm always the one guarding the door, preventing any evil spirits from entering.
After many happenings including one where I almost shut out one true human but with the face of the spirit, this human came in and asked us why were our windows wide open in the rooms, so we proceeded to close the windows. Only that the windows were faulty and everytime I try to push them close, they are sliding windows, they kind of fall outwards or slip out of their grooves. Open windows, according to the human, meant that spirits could enter more easily. It was only a matter of time before they did find out about the windows.
Then while closing windows she was telling me that the person who would die first would be one of my other uncles and the next would be me.

Then my sis woke me up.

posted by tstar @ 9:36 AM 0 comments

Horrible, intense fear

I don't know. Why do I fear so many things... Would you believe if I said I have a fear of sports? Probably not. Intense, horrible fear. In fact I have a fear of all things outdoor-ish... Don't ask me why, I don't know why. Have never actually asked myself why before either. Maybe it's time to ask why...

posted by tstar @ 12:23 AM 1 comments

Entries recently

Have been posting completely useless, pointless, boring (and other adjectives of the like) entires lately.

It includes this.

posted by tstar @ 11:26 PM 0 comments

Happy

Windstone suite was... interesting. I need to brush up on the song but other than the normal mistakes I make, things are okay. YZ is freaked out over her vibes part. =D Don't worry, YZ, I know you will pull through. (Can I tease a bit and say that I have an easier part.) Loud, but relatively easier.

No practice on tomorrow. No SPU, no Chingay rehearsal. Tomorrow's free!! Am glad. Going to Esplanade tomorrow with Pearl and some others to listen to the Mus Art Wind Orchestra and Mus Art Percussion Club. Really wanted to go but couldn't because of the schedule. By a stroke of luck my supposedly-packed-but-now-very-free-tomorrow is now only occupied with this event! =D Almost didn't have anything to do tomorrow until YS suddenly asked on the bus if we want to go to a concert and I even said "no!" but later on clarified the name and THUS WE ARE GOING TOMORROW!! I am fated to go to this concert. =D

Just had dinner at 10.15pm, super late.

I feel happy today because Pearl and Jeremy say I look nice! Felt rather like a PAP member today, decked out in an all white ensemble. White razor back shirt and white long pants (which I got yesterday). People were staring at me, reminded me of when I was hooked up. Even Jer commented that my hair was more in place than usual. =D Finally my hair is in place. Well, I look nice as long as I'm in an air-conditioned room. Haha..

Show at Clementi till 5pm and then to bugis. That Nightmare before Christmas wallet looks good. Got my sight set on one.

I am a rather happy girl today.

posted by tstar @ 10:24 PM 0 comments

Explaning myself for no particular reason

I will NOT get angry (finally) because there is no reason to. Anyway I'm not thinking properly and when I get angry when I'm not thinking properly, I'm usually the one at fault.

Actually I'm already a bit pissed. And irritated. And he's FINALLY irritated with me, which is great. GREAT. No sarcasm.

So. Should I write about it? I really don't like writing entries on this kind of things. But it'll help me think better. Alright then, before reading the following you all should read his entry here. That should give you an idea what happened, then I'll tell you what happened from my point of view.

Yes, I asked him last evening if he was free today. Last evening YZ was with me, btw. Why I asked him last evening if he was free today? I have a reason ok! A reason I will NOT tell anybody except for those who already know it and to those who already know it, DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING!! Thanks. I don't even know why in the world I came up with that very valid reason. Anyway today morning I saw his nick "headache" so quite obviously he got a headache of some sort. Once it was confirmed that the headache was physical, I knew I couldn't ask him out even if I HAD wanted to go out. Come on, who in the world asks their friends out when they are feeling ill? Even when they say they're alright, they are NOT, in my opinion anyway. So I don't care what they all say. They sick isit? Then they stay at home and rest. I don't care what programme they have on later, but I will not ask them out. It is against my conscience.

So why did I type whatever it is that I did after that when he went for lunch? Oh basically I gave him an excuse to ask me out (in my opinion) to put it simple, IN MY OPINION.
Why then? Because he said that he would probably feel better after a walk and it kind of backed my point that a person with headache should not be staring at the computer screen. Thus I got the wrong impression that we WERE going out, which led to me typing that message when he said that he's going to have his lunch. See, a case of misunderstanding, not a "guess guess game" as he said.

Seriously, I am quite irritated with myself for firstly, contradicting myself and secondly, for not noticing that he was pissed. But then I had an entirely different view as you can see, a view which is probably wrong (because somehow I'm always wrong).
Then I am irritated with him for I don't know what also. Saying irritated with him for being himself sounds weird not to mention really stupid. Anyway I really don't know him so it doesn't stand. Oh, I have found something to be irritated with! This sentence of his, " Even for mood there is a footer that says "correct as of (date)". " It's quite true, this sentence if we think properly about it, but somehow I feel that the tone is a bit sarcastic. My mood didn't change ok, it's because of him. Actually I'm just trying to find something to blame on. =D So nvm that.

I don't even know why I'm explaining myself!

Now I finally see why he is pissed and why he suddenly send that sms and that he didn't log off MSN for fun. Well, I'm a bit slow, ain't I. Yeah, sorry about it.

I'm working myself into a horrible mood, thinking about the number of unsold tickets to the percussion concert. Plus I probably cannot meet my friend tomorrow to give him the ticket because the show might end at 6. Then tomorrow have to wake up early because have practice from 9am till 1pm! Then show at Clementi at 2.30pm... Just thinking about it makes me tired.

Now I'm hungry. I'll go eat some bread.

posted by tstar @ 10:48 PM 5 comments

Random post

Used the treadmill at the gym. Bad knees. Bad me. Ate probably 100 strands of noodles, 1 piece of chicken meat, 1 section of the back of the fish, 1 dao gua, a few strands of vegetables and a long yellow banana.
Picked up my fantasy book, realized I have already forgotten what I read previously, plan to read again from the beginning
Have to go buy white long pants or khakis later at 3pm for tomorrow's show at Clementi. My 1st allowance is for me to buy all the necessary clothes that I need for shows. And a little more. What a pity I don't like shopping.
Tomorrow after clementi show going back to NUS to give ticket to friend.
I have bad knees, weak arms which are getting weaker and already weak wrists which I have not been bothered to train ever since graduation from AJ.
Weak wrists means I lose out in playing.
Internet addiction. Very bad internet addiction.
Bad me as stated above because I forced myself to run even though my knees were starting to feel the strain. Feel good to perspire but none of that wonderful feeling I used to get after running. A bit routine like that. Maybe I should really go to the river there to run, but I'm really lazy. I'll see.

Why am I a Libra? Libras are nice people and they are pretty. I'm not nice and pretty. I'm evil, bad-tempered and normal. Normal is good. Normal is nice. So I am nice.

A random post.

Feeling nauseous after running, always. Actually feeling nauseous while trying to train my arms. Always.

Random, random. Trying to fill up the time until 3pm.

Should be trying to read papers but am too lazy. I feel like being a bimbo, easy life, no need to think. Eat, sleep, shit, suck cock sometimes and make myself pretty... Too troublesome, have to make an effort to make myself pretty. Guess bimbos don't find dressing up too troublesome. Ah well, I'm not cut out for a bimbo.

2.40pm now. 20 minutes to go... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Wonder how many dots I can make in 20 minutes. 2.41pm now.

What's the use of life if I just sit here and type rubbish. What's the meaning of life anyway? Oh shit, going to go into one of those analysis thingy... all because I started typing an absolutely meaningless post. No, I won't. I won't think about the meaning of life. I just live life the way I want it. Period.







Who cares what we're supposed to be on earth for? We are here and that's pretty much it. If there's a meaning to our existence, which I believe does not exist, then why in the world are we destroying Earth by consuming its resources? If we exist by consuming resources and by consuming resources we destroy Earth, then it proves that there is no meaning to our existence. We just happened to be here.






Oh, maybe the meaning to our existence is to destroy Earth. Or maybe we're some experiment of another larger being. You know, like ants bred in a lab to see how they live and all that. Well, that's a comforting thought. I mean, this means that global warming doesn't matter because we are all part of an experiment and what happens to this one little planet/experiment won't matter to the larger world the experimenters live in.

Yeah, that's it! We are like dolls in a doll's house.

It's 2.49pm. Talked rubbish for a full 20 minutes. =p

posted by tstar @ 2:27 PM 3 comments

Irritated; enlightenment.. or not?

Meant to run today but ended up reaching home quite late so didn't do so. Ok, so it's an excuse. Visited mama at the crematorium or temple today because it's the 37th day, if I'm not wrong. Got so fast mehz? Anyway I went there and ... oh it doesn't matter what I did there. What matters is that it irritates me when I see my shen shen praying to mama like she does to anybody else. How do I put it? Hands together as normal then move them forward and backward. Haiz, alright, I am just irritated by the fact that WE are praying to mama. It's not only my shen shen, it's everybody ok? I mean, I don't know, she doesn't seem dead to me so it feels real weird to be praying to her. All I want to do is to squat down to where her ashes are placed and then talk to her like when she is lying on the bed. Somehow to me she is still there, she is not gone. I don't care, she is NOT GONE. I mean it just doesn't sink in. And she still hasn't visited me in my dreams yet. Maybe there are too many dreams to go into, considering the size of my family, so mine might get omitted. Ah well.

So I want to just sit there for a bit and talk to her, tell her about myself and my life, how everybody else is and about my feelings and ask how she is wherever she is now, but there just doesn't seem to be any chance to do so. Oh I'll go there on my own alright, very soon. Then maybe I can finally just talk to her and not bother with the joss sticks and incense paper. Really, she is a buddhist, for goodness sake she doesn't need incense paper to be burnt to her! Buddhists don't do that, only Taoists do, which I am. She only benefits when we nian jin. My shen shen and that-cousin-whom-I-am-upset-with mother cannot seem to get it into their minds. The 2 times we were there they burnt paper for her. The 1st time I didn't know that there was no need, the 2nd time I was slightly irritated and couldn't be bothered to help, not that I helped the 1st time round. So. Whatever.

Then I asked that-cousin why he didn't have a joss stick when we were walking down the stairs and I think he was talking about the wedding thing. I couldn't quite make it out but I shot back that I don't want to talk about it, no point harping on it and that he can go think about it if he wants to. Shucks, what if he was talking about some other thing. My mind was just on the possibility that he could have mentioned that and I kind of assumed he did. Oh well, I'll just start another conversation with him another day. He didn't initiate conversations with me recently on MSN, so it kinds of hints at his feelings I guess. Which reminds me that I should ask my brother if he received that-message from that-cousin. Haiz. Am still upset about this, actually. YY told me not to bother about it. We seem to have something against their family. Gross. It used to be only between the(all our) parents(adults) who have this kind of conflict thing but now it is "we" as in the above sentence because well, us kids have just stepped in. I stepped in when I answered him like that, when I finally think "he is wrong". I am wrong for thinking he is wrong, dammit. Actually I am quite repulsed by what I did today, replying him like that, because it was so... uncalled for and crude. Whatever happened to thinking critically? I could have made clear what he was saying, for one, and then launch into a long speech on how we shouldn't let this bother us because we are family and how Eugene is also our relative and we should make him feel happy. It could have made him see our point of view and it would have made me feel better even if he didn't. Aiya, shit it. I already SAID I'd start a new conversation with him another day.

Practiced with YZ and Kim Peng at the studio today on Overture for Percussion Ensemble and Windstone Suite. Played from 6+ till 8+pm. My arms and thumb are tired because of the chimes part in overture. Wonder if I really can memorize that whole score or not. Don't have to memorize actually, just be familiar with the score. So many syncopated notes and quavers on the chimes, don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think Damien knows my abilities (after I screwed up a couple of pieces while under his baton) so gave me pieces I could handle. =D I'm glad about that. No sarcasm, I'm really glad. I wanted to laugh because it's a challenge, but it's within my abilities.

Sometimes it is not good to read through the archives of a blog because... well actually no use one, only make me feel worse about myself and my past decision lor. No no, it's not that person, it is ME! Then because YZ came over to my place before we headed off to the studio and she messaged me about a stop before she alighted, I practically ran to the bus stop. Actually I was feeling guilty about not running today so I just ran a bit just to make the guilt go away. Ran like 200m or less then cannot tahan le. Plus I was wearing slippers. It's not the point, the point is that while running I was suddenly... enlightened. So I walked half the distance to the bus stop frowning in concentration and... basically frowned because I was troubled. I forgot half of what I "realized" while running and it really isn't going to make a difference whether I post it or not (or maybe it will but I lied) so I'll just omit it. If you want to know you can ask me.

posted by tstar @ 10:21 PM 0 comments

C V Devan Nair

Singapore's 3rd president, Mr C V Devan Hair, passed away yesterday morning. Read a summary of his life story here.
Seem like a great man, set up a lot of things, but heard that he had a drinking problem which resulted in him resigning, I think. Then again, heard that it was unclear why he did. If you all saw in the news the clip where the then-PM Lee read something regarding that matter you should know. (Incoherent sentence.) Moved to Canada and that was where he lived till he passed away.

posted by tstar @ 10:04 PM 3 comments

ex-pres; work & naivete; concert; why??

I promised YZ that I would blog.

The thing about blogging is that when I am busy studying for exams, I want to blog but when I am not I don't have the urge to do so.

Did one of singapore's ex-presidents die today? I thought I saw it on the news. The person who set up NTUC, I think. Will check out the papers tomorrow.
One generation is fading out, another is taking the lead, soon it will be our turn and I don't exactly feel prepared right now. It's just that I feel I'm so naive and so untutored that I really fear working. Mint called me a couple of days ago, on my mother's birthday while we were at Crystal Jade Kitchen, and said they would need me from 27th/28th onwards till february. January and February doing part-time, with school on-going. I need the money, so guess will be quite tired at that time.

Kim Peng sms-ed me just now and asked if I could do the videoing instead of the playing this saturday. I told her I don't have experience doing video, she said it's alright, I thought it would be good to learn something new and accepted it. Some time ago, I would not have the courage to try anything new. I would very much like either the tried and tested way or things that I have done before and are familiar with. When I started looking for work in December I realized that I needed to be more daring in all ways. Then when I landed a job with the mint I took it head-on with minimal job training, embarrassed myself many times, got scolded by senior colleague on the first day of work and I reckoned have hardened a bit. But I still am very much an untutored person in the ways of the working world and when mint called me that day I was nervous at the thought that I would need to start working again.

Weird, I never even thought that I would write this much when I first clicked on "new post".

SC cut his hair... Damn short. He was thinking of shaving his head like for the 3rd time or something. Touched that he is really coming for our percussion concert which reminds me that I have to ask Huimin and Belinda. Anybody interested in going contact me ok! Thanks! Really would like to see my friends there.

So here's the advertisement for the concert again:

Studio Percussion Unit(SPU) cum 2/4 Percussion 1st concert - Strike it up! A percussion ensemble concert with pieces ranging from contemporary to ethnic music. 23rd December 2005, 7.30pm, at YMS Arts Centre. Tickets priced at $12. Contact Pearlin (97715176 / juz_smile54@yahoo.com.sg) or Stephanie (90101883 / ng.wan.jing@gmail.com) for tickets and/or details!

Oh I ought to put down that I had a very nice chat on MSN with SH last night. Very nice. The nicest one I could remember ever since we started chatting on msn. I basically questioned him on his climbing and it was very interesting. Yeah, why can't we talk like that in real life? I should start acting normally when I see him.
Then today I was so bored that I started to play neopets again so I asked him out. Ended up nowhere, =) which was really amusing. That is, we ended up playing minesweeper on msn and didn't go out.

And while I'm typing this I'm trying to upload the poster to blogger but it is refusing to do so! 3rd time already!

And since my question is already on the tag-board... Why didn't any of my friends scold me for liking somebody without having ever seen that person?! Don't you all know the dangers of the internet and how high the chances are that the other person is lying and that he is actually a 40-year-old perverted man wanting to prey on young girls? Huh? I thought you all will chide me for doing all these things but it was quite the opposite, which really really surprised me. I already braced myself for the scoldings that I thought would come my way when I told LY and Pearl they all but there were NONE!! Which was really cool, but really surprising. =D I sound like I am eager for a scolding. Well, I AM chiding myself for being ME. Naive me, always doing the things that parents say not to do. Can't say it's bad this time round though, is it?

Blogger just denied me the chance to upload the poster for the 4th time. Dammit. Click Here to see the advertisement and poster.

Good! I have blogged for about an hour! Good night all!

posted by tstar @ 10:42 PM 3 comments

1st show

My very 1st show today! Samba at Temasek Poly. Very tiring, despite the very short show (0.5 hours) and very... showy. Showy as in acting. When one is playing in the band, it doesn't matter if you are in a good or bad mood as long as you play together with your bandmates and you sound good. This is completely different. Even if you haven't slept at all last night, is in a terrible mood, can't see properly, need to go pee or just feeling bored you still have to smile and move like you enjoy the music. This is an entertainment thing, we have to entertain our audience, he says. It's very tiring. Our instructor told us that it isn't very good today. In fact there was, I quote, "nothing achieved" in.. quite gentle tones. Said probably because we have a new batch, meaning some of us. Spoiled my day. Ah well, my first show, I shouldn't expect perfection. Sometimes it's just disappointing, you know?
We were starting to warm-up after 0.5 hour then it ended, which was pretty sad. However, I thought it was quite ok, the whole thing. Managed to persuade 2 guys in the audience to participate in playing by going up on stage. *smug*
And I got my allowance for this. Then we went Arnold's to eat chicken. Now so full I am having gastric pains cum stomachache.
Am really troubled by what our instructor said.
Just kind of wish that Pearl was there, then at least can look at her and got mood to play.
Don't worry! I will improve! I don't believe I can't move and look as if I'm enjoying myself. Thanks to Hariyani (who is a very nice and talkative girl =D) and Nadiah who both said that it was ok, the former who said she had seen worse shows, the latter who said soon it'll be alright. Anyway I held the heavier agogo-bell for so long that my left hand is now shaking. Damn, tomorrow sure to start aching. Haven't been doing this kind of thing for too long le, close to a year.

Don't believe it, two "1st" in 2 consecutive days.

----------
Today morning SH sent an MMS which I could only read now because I was already on my way to meeting YS, Baozhen and Biing Yih. I keep thinking who is that person holding the cat. Doesn't look like him lehz. AND THAT CAT LOOKS FIERCE.
Oh, did I just drift away from the point of this paragraph? Sorry. Drift away a little bit more, I absolutely adore the song "Confessions of a Broken Heart" by Lindsay Lohan. Am listening to it this moment.
Anyway, cut the whole thing short because I feel very weird telling everybody what's happening. He says he... erm, ah.. oh, nvm! Why am I putting this down here?!

Edit: YZ says she thought Siu Hang was a girl. Wow. I'm speechless. =D Haha... It would be pretty cool though, wouldn't it, if he really is a girl. I'm kidding!
Alright alright, anyway now instead of me wooing him, it'll be the other way round. Okay. No guarantee ok. I don't promise anything.
And we're a bit too alike, become very scary. I'm looking for the differences.
We'll see how it goes. =)

posted by tstar @ 5:45 PM 4 comments

1st date

This is going to be a super awkward post. I know my friends will be very excited to read this, so here goes.
*ahem*

1)I've got a short term memory (ok, this is away from the point)

Siu Hang asked me out on msn today. I can hear all of your gasps already. Finally, after being disappointed on last Saturday. So after much debating, because we couldn't decide where to go, we decided on Cheng San Library. Weird, I know, but I wanted to go to the library today, he wanted to go the library, and we were both in no mood to go out. (At this point I'm having a mental block and LY is saying this date is very cool... My baseball bat please.) So he said he'd come down and we both agreed at about 2/2.30pm, he'd find me after he'd searched for his books.

When I first headed out I was quite calm, but the moment I stepped into the library my heart started to race. Actually I couldn't quite concentrate on the books I was browsing through. I still looked pretty calm though, I remember. After having chosen my 1st book, my phone started vibrating. 1 new received message. Unlock. Read. He asked if I'm at the shelves. Reply. Yes... Fiction. He said he saw me. Blah-blah-blah. Had to threaten him with a call before he stepped out. By then I was halfway down the row of shelves.

Actually I cannot remember my first impression of him. I only knew that it was him because he was staring directly at me and people do not stare directly at you unless they know you. I grin, I make some lame comment about his books (he actually reads chinese books, I pei fu him), he asked if I have my books. After a bit I give up trying to find another book basically because I take super long to find a book I want to read, and because I was too *cough-ner-cough-vou-cough-s*. By right, I was more distracted than *cough-ner-cough-vou-cough-s*. So we borrowed our books then headed out.

From the moment he talked I knew reality and expectation did not match. Stupid expectations. I am so ironical. I say expectations can be put aside but then because of this expectation I have of him I am, putting it crudely, disappointed. Today he appeared to be more childish (pun: chow-ish) than the more mature image I had formed while chatting with him online. But oh, he's a nice person, don't get the wrong idea.

So we sat at the food court at Hougang Mall, didn't buy anything, and just talked. Initially I was feeling really awkward because he's different from how I imagined him to be. CNM pops into my mind. We crapped. A lot of head noddings and head shakings, a lot of silences (sadly). Quite a bit of an interesting conversation. He really reminded me of Jeremy because both of them got so ... excited about something as simple as touching hands. It really was nothing for me, simple physical contact, perhaps because I'm really used to it already.

Oh, he's got intense eyes. He say I 'dian' him, I'd think it's the other way round. He's one of those who can maintain eye contact very long one lor! Very nice to be looking into his eyes, I don't mind looking for a long time, but of course I can't do that, just stare and don't talk meh? His eyes make me feel melty inside. =D So weird.

When we started talking, I knew then that he's not the type of person I would like at first interaction in real life. Somehow I think it's good, but then it's bad as well. Let me explain. I always believe that strongest relationships emerge from when both parties did not like each other or intensely dislike each other in the beginning. Only after seeing the bad side of a person can one truly admire the good qualities. That's the good part.
The bad part is that what if it just stays like that, don't like the person at first, don't like the person forever.

I didn't say I don't like him ok? As I told him, I need to get used to the real, physical him. Virtual and reality are two very different things. That's why when he asked just now why I don't want to woo him anymore I said that he's not the type of guy I'd fall for after the first interaction and that it's not I don't WANT to woo him, is I CANNOT woo him. How can you woo somebody if you are not sure if you like him and want to be in a relationship with him? Uncertainty is not an option if you are the one who takes the action. Actually I guess I am also feeling a bit of the 'don't want to' part. However, I'm leaving my options open, I'm not saying "no" to him because I don't know what will happen, what I will feel as more time passes. That's why I told him if he WANTS (i.e. interested in me still) he can woo me. I won't take any actions, I will wait and see. I want to see if I really fall for him in real life. If I do, then good, if not, it'd be for the better, no? It means there is someone else better suited for him (for I am really a lousy person and I'd be really happy if he does find a better girl), and there is someone else better suited for me.

Alright, after that ultra long detour, back to the dating scene. Yes, I use the word 'date'. What's wrong with it? Date only mah! Normal date you know! Hehz, I didn't say this, SH did. Anyway, we walked around HM. From last floor to basement. For the first time, a person actually followed me where I go. Usually is I follow people around when they shop. I actually liked it when we were walking around because there seem to be much more to talk about. CD-rama, Popular. Ok, so I said "Want to think dirty?", pointed at a packet of not-yet-inflated balloons which were longish, in Popular. Think condoms, for those who don't get it. Does that mean I'm lewd?! Ok, so maybe I am. *grumbles* Reminded of when we walked past the condom house at orchard road... ok, drifting away already. =D Just proved how lewd I am.

Then we, actually only me, were staring at this whole stack of books at the "Recommended section". I kept feeling that he was standing very close, then I move, then like no difference, still very close leh. I questioned him on MSN actually, he said he never stand very close, is I lean towards him. When did I lean towards him?! I don't remember it! This is not one of those "seriously denying it" kind of thing to save my face, but I really don't remember leaning. I could go all physics and explain the gravitational force between two masses. =P I'll be nice and not do that. But it was very nice to just feel the nearness of and the heat from his body, although I really didn't want him hugging me. I swear I stood there a few seconds more just to enjoy the feeling a bit. I think I'm mentally ... sick. Sometimes I want to slap myself. At this point I can hear all my friends laughing and grinning at the screen already. I don't care, if I don't write down everything I will regret in the future. Haiz, I am violently embarrassed.

Anyway, we actually walked into NTUC. I couldn't believe it. I mean we WALKED in to have a WALK in there. I asked him to lead because he liked walking in erm, grocery stores? I know it's Cold Storage or something. Anyway it was straight to the sweets section. Tempting, but I refuse to get anything. Not in the mood to eat sweets and when I'm not in the mood, nothing can move me. That's why he kept trying to get me to buy but I refuse. Yar, I wish I could tell it to him in the face but I always bungle things up when I talk to people face-to-face.

Then we were at the wine section and I was reminded of the red wine I drank last night so I asked him if he drinks red wine. Somehow talking about Shiraz and some other wine lead to him pinching my cheeks. Oh, according to his blog, it happened like this: "We took a walk in NTUC, then at the wine section I was saying I collect wine bottles, then she said I am karankuni. In retaliation I pinched her cheeks..." Remember my short term memory please. I was kind of shocked actually so I was pushing his hands away then somehow, in my memory I keep feeling like this the whole time, we end up in this awkward position where I was very close to him. He'd probably say "no, not very close" again, so I'm not very sure. But I remember being very uncomfortable so I responded by stepping away and told him don't touch me. I don't know how I sounded like at that time but I couldn't really be bothered. I knew what I wanted and I didn't want him doing that. All I wanted was to get my point across. Here's his version: click to see. Did people really look at us in amusement? Gosh, that is really embarrassing. Anyway I don't think he took it badly, so it's alright.

Then I saw him to the interchange. On the way there we chatted a bit and I looked everywhere else except at him, I don't know why. Then out of the blue he said that he's usually not like that. Not "like that" not specifically in that above scenario but as in on the whole today. I was a bit bothered by that. If this is not him, then what is? There really wasn't enough time for me to question him about it then, so I didn't. In a way, I was glad this date/meeting/whatever was over because it was kind of awkward. Ironically, I wanted it to last longer. Somehow inside me I wanted him to stay just a bit longer, but I know he had to go off anyway, so I didn't say anything. I wouldn't have been able to ask it outright either, I'm too shy when facing people. Actually that's why I saw him all the way to the interchange. The damn bus came so fast. He asked if we were friends or more. I don't know... *shrugs*. Friends.
He acknowledged it, we waved bye and he turned and ran towards the already docking bus.

And that, was my first ever date.

Edit: I forgot to add in that he said I'm cute. ME!! Only 3 guys have ever said that I'm cute, including him. I am flattered.

posted by tstar @ 10:31 PM 1 comments

frowning

*frowning*

I don't like the fact that I'm the cause of his unhappiness. If there is anything I can do to make it better, I would. Tell me what.

How do you fall for somebody you haven't even met?

My period is coming soon, moodswing for me. I know because I can feel it. Plus I ask nonsensical questions.

posted by tstar @ 9:58 AM 1 comments

"Get a boyfriend!"

I just visited my newly-wedded cousin and his wife's house again when before leaving my mom told me, "You'd better get a boyfriend ah!"
I raise my eyebrow.
I replied, "Aiya, I'm 19 only!" Lowers eyebrow.
She said, "19 very old already ah. Quickly 28 years old must 'jia chu qu' (get married)."
I raise my eyebrow and the muscle beneath my eyebrow gets a spasm.

This is a first.
For the first time in my 19 years of life, my mom tells me to get a boyfriend. I am amused. Well, the pressure is on.

Shit.

posted by tstar @ 11:08 PM 0 comments

Christmas lightings; Mom's b'day; drink

Last night, a walk down Orchard Road with family to see Christmas lightings.

Christmas trees:

Bigger version of christmas tree no. 2:

Other lightings/decorations:

And then we came upon this ... artist? Busker? Not sure if he's the same person always at Orchard.

Yes, he has his underwear on. The board says at the bottom says:

Then Centrepoint. I'm awfully bad at Orchard Road and its buildings. I'm bad everywhere else, actually. Don't like shopping, don't like crowded places so hardly head there. Ah, well. Anyway, this is the prettiest building ever:

That's M&M at the far right of the building. Don't want load too many pictures. Don't like doing a photolog. So it is a very pretty building - makes me want to eat it, the displays! Yum!

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Mum's birthday today! Ate at Crystal Jade Kitchen at Tampines Mall. Got her a "voucher" thingy from Nail Palace at Hougang Mall for a one-time manicure and pedicure. Last minute gift, actually. Not used to buying her gifts. Thanks to Jeremy for accompanying me up to the place yesterday. Mum said she very xin tong for the money I spent on the voucher... I have nothing to say. Stupid place, the voucher is the receipt can! *grumbles*

Oh, I haven't gone to the gym. No 'jue xin'.

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Which reminds me I'm supposed to see which day I'm free and when Mingzhu is free so that she can bring me go drink. Finally. Been too lazy to go search my calender for available dates and too lazy to ask her out.

posted by tstar @ 4:56 PM 0 comments

Schapelle Corby vs. Nguyen Tuong Van

Remember Corby's plight late last year (October 2004) / early this year when she was caught with 4.1kg of marijuana in Bali, Indonesia?
Sentenced to 20 years of jail in Indonesia and a 10 million rupiahs fine for drug smuggling.
Australians were adamant that she was innocent. There were many, many websites specially created just for her.
Why?
Pardon me, but I don't think she was innocent. Basically because 4.1kg of marijuana is kind of heavy to not have been noticed. As to why there were so many protests regarding this, because she is... pretty, I guess. Who wants to see a pretty face suffer?

Was reminded of Corby's case because of Nguyen's in Singapore. Isn't it kind of a parallel? He has his own websites too! Differences include, according to CNA, a divided Australia on whether he should be executed, as compared to Corby's 90% of Australians who were convinced she was innocent.
He brought 400gm of heroine into Singapore during a plane transit. That's 26,000 doses.
The amazing thing is that the case lasted for 3 years before he was executed on 2nd december 2005. Why didn't Corby's case last longer?
I really don't understand why the Australians were so fired over this. He brought heroin into Singapore, Singapore has execution laws for drugs, he broke (violated?) the law, he takes the punishment. It's as simple as that, isn't it?
It kinds of gross me out that I'm talking about a person's death like that - simple, flowchart technique.
Anyway, they should respect our laws.
I am quite in awe of the fact that the Australians would stand up for 1 of their own, but to stand up for a drug smuggler... I can't accept that.

I like what one newspaper wrote: Maybe it would have been better if he was female and blonde.

posted by tstar @ 12:29 PM 2 comments

Ends of a straight line

Was reading Jenny's blog and came across these lines:

I read this in Ice Cream's blog- Remembered this: Two parallel lines never cross, unless a mistake is made. How about two opposite ends of a straight line?

Two opposite ends of a straight line will cross to form a circle with no end...

Very nice hor?

Now, if somebody could tell me what it actually means... ?! Hehz.

posted by tstar @ 11:14 AM 0 comments

today; olivia; emotional vs. desire for touch

Er, what's the general name again?! Anyway, it's baby Bugs Bunny, Sylvester, Tweety, Tazmania (I hope I got it right), Daffy Duck and that female bunny.. shucks, what's the female bunny's name? What's it with names?! I can't remember them now. Is it Lila or something.

That lady in the middle of the stage was singing live! Nice voice.

Managed to catch Taz and Sylvester while they were looking up in our direction:

Ain't Taz cute?

Then there's Daffy:I think I might get a Nightmare before Christmas wallet as a Christmas present to myself (haha! a Nightmare before christmas wallet as a christmas present! Hope really no nightmare before christmas) since I already have its bag. Just kind of fell in love with the whole collection.

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Because Olivia's myopia is really quite bad, my mum decided to buy these contacts for her that are really really expensive, but which can reduce her myopia degree. Used it once and it has reduced by 100. It's hard lens and she wears it every night before going to sleep. Sleep with them, actually. It's been used by many people before and they say it works so... guess just try it. So young, 7 yrs old, and myopia 300 degrees already. Scary. Yesterday was her first attempt so here's a photo and video clip of her putting it in.

That's her after one lens in her right eye. Trying to get used to it.

She's really quite good at putting it in. Better than me, took so long to put one soft lens in I got a dizzy spell and almost passed out. So when people ask how long did you take the first time you put your lens in, instead of saying 45 min or an hour or 10 min, I say "2 days" or more. The 1st day I almost passed out, so went back another day to learn to put it in again. Add the time between the 1st and 2nd attempts.... more than 2 days liao.

Video clip of Olivia putting her lens in

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Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I only crave for the physical touch without the heart. That is, satisfaction of the sexual desire without the emotional baggage. Yet it is not really sexual desire. I just want the touch. Healthy, normal touches ranging from a hand on the shoulder to a hug. Not the sex part. Yet. I don't think I'll ever majorly crave that.

Desire, one of the literature questions I did.

What if that's all I'm after? Touch. WHAT IF AFTER I GET IT I LOSE INTEREST IN THE PERSON?! HOW? Don't think will lah, horz, was just speculating. Wah lao, I a bit sick in the mind lorz. Which reminds me of when I wrote that post about Justin and how I'm sick in the mind too...

Morale of the story: I'm sick in the mind.

posted by tstar @ 11:15 PM 2 comments

Exams are over!; feeling sad

Finished my last paper today! Literature! Was more confident with this paper than the others since I especially love lit, but ironically I used only a day to study it. Went in with 2 prepared plays and 1 novel and still survived. After this 1st exam in NUS I feel much more confident in Arts.
After exam happened to walk together with Eng Wen, my lit classmate and an ex-AJCian too, to the bus-stop and it turns out his father was fetching him home and they are passing by AMK so he offered to give me a ride. So embarrassing because I seldom take rides from friends' parents. He sat at the back seat with me and we chatted, quite loudly really. Felt guilty about that too. Thought I should be making some conversation with his father, but then he was driving, so not very safe. Plus I suck at making polite conversation. Grateful to him for offering the ride, if not I'll have to change buses and it was getting dark and difficult to see where that 74 bus stop is.
Yet my day is spoilt when my cousin smsed me when I was at AMK's macs with Pearlin and others. Not nice to air dirty laundry in public, so I won't say go in depth, but it's regarding the wedding and the funeral, so you all go figure out. It spoils my day, hurts my heart and I'm really upset by the tone of the message. Plus I really don't know what to reply him so I didn't reply. What's the use of him harping on it anyway? I thought he would be more understanding, but turns out our generation is still old-fashioned. So, yeah, I'm feeling hurt.
Anyway we finished preparing all the tickets and I'm going with LY to PS to watch HP tomorrow. Yes. So I should be happy about it, but that matter above keeps pressing on me.
Can a person still be shallow when he/she is in university? Yes. I don't believe it, but yes, a person can. He/she can act like he/she does in secondary school, he/she makes ridiculous remarks... Childish remarks. Extremely childish remarks. Or maybe I'm the one who's childish.

posted by tstar @ 11:04 PM 2 comments

"The Bluest Eye"

Am studying for literature exam.. today and just read this last part of "The Bluest Eye". Simply saddening but true even in today's world.

Pecola, the her in the following passage, was raped by her father and went crazy from the isolation.

"The birdlike gestures are worn away to a mere picking and plucking her way between the tire rims and the sunflowers, between Coke bottles and milkweed, among all the waste and beauty of the world - which is what she herself was. All of our waste which we dumped on her and which she absorbed. And all of our beauty, which was hers first and which she gave to us. All of us - all who knew her - felt so wholesome after we cleaned ourselves on her. We were so beautiful when we stood astride her ugliness. Her simplicity decorated us, her guilt sanctified us, her pain made us glow with health, her awkwardness made us think we had a sense of humor. Her inarticulateness made us believe we were eloquent. Her poverty kept us generous. Even her waking dreams we used - to silence our own nightmares. And she let us, and thereby deserved our contempt. We honed our egos on her, padded our characters with her frailty, and yawned in the fantasy of our strength."

I know I'm supposed to be studying, but reading this makes me want to cry because it's so sad and so true. How many of us have actually done this? Compare. Every few minutes or hours, we are sure to do it. Maybe this will make us think twice next time.

posted by tstar @ 12:37 AM 2 comments